According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs[2], we all have the need to belong. This is particularly salient for young people. When this basic human need isn’t met in positive environments, like home or school, young people will seek it elsewhere – often finding it in gangs.

Studies have shown that young people often join gangs not primarily to offend, but to belong. Gangs offer identity, protection, and a sense of family that may be missing in other parts of their lives. A 2019 University of Birmingham study[3] described gang membership as “a site of belonging” that gives young people feelings of respect, worth, and pride.

Restorative Approaches provide a healthier, safer alternative. By building inclusive school cultures where every voice matters and everyone feels valued, RA creates a sense of belonging that prevents the pull towards gang membership and, ultimately, violence.  According to The All Party Parliamentary Group for Knife Crime [4], “Schools have a vital role to play in the effort to prevent and tackle serious youth violence.”

Furthermore, restorative practices give young people a chance to truly understand the impact of their actions on others – those directly involved, as well as the wider community. Instead of punishment that alienates, they experience connection through conversations that highlight real human consequences. When a young person hears directly from the person they’ve harmed how their actions have made them feel, empathy is awakened. This deeper understanding can shift attitudes in a way that sanctions never will.

Knife crime isn’t solved by confiscating blades or making them more difficult to come by (after all, where there’s a will, there’s a way!). It’s solved by reducing the will and addressing trauma, disconnection, and lack of emotional regulation. Restorative Approaches do just that: they help young people build empathy, foster accountability, understand and regulate their emotions, and anchor themselves in a community that values them.

Punitive Responses Vs Restorative Connection

Punitive responses to knife crime often focus on exclusion or legal penalties. While they may address immediate safety, they can intensify feelings of isolation, resentment, and disconnection and thus strengthen the very gang affiliations that contribute to violence. In fact, evidence shows that exclusion and isolation can strengthen a young person’s identification with gangs, pushing them towards groups that promise protection and belonging, especially when they already feel rejected by authority or school. Research in BMC Public Health (2020)[5] found that strong parental attachment, school engagement and supportive relationships act as protective factors against weapon-carrying. In contrast, disconnection and exclusion increase the risk and can drive young people towards groups that fill that emotional void.

RA approaches the problem differently: harm is acknowledged, relationships are repaired where possible, and accountability is built through understanding rather than fear.

A Case in Point

For instance, consider a scenario where a young person has threatened another student with a knife. In a purely punitive system, the focus would be on exclusion or legal consequences, which might increase alienation and resentment. In a restorative process, the young person (the ‘harmer’) would sit in a safe, facilitated meeting with the person they harmed (‘harmee’). They would hear firsthand about the fear and trauma caused, and they would have the opportunity to explain their own feelings, fears or pressures that led to the behaviour. Together, the group would explore what could be done to repair trust and ensure safety, as well as how they might do things differently next time. Such a conversation does not excuse the behaviour, but it transforms the experience into accountability, empathy building, and an opportunity for change.

Prevention Rather than Cure

Prevention is always the best option and, rather than simply addressing the situation once a knife has been used (or threatened), RA goes to work before it reaches that point; it seeks to prevent young people from picking up knives in the first place. Children are, by nature, egocentric and therefore rarely think about the impact of their actions on others. Traditional punitive approaches to discipline intensify this by focusing all the attention on the harmer. Restorative conversations, however, bring the harmee into the mix and gives them an opportunity to be heard.  By always defaulting to a restorative conversation, instead of more punitive responses, children and  young people learn to understand the impact of their actions on others; they become less egocentric and more empathetic and, consequently, less likely to act impulsively, or, indeed, have it within them to pick up a knife as a weapon. Furthermore, giving the harmee the opportunity to be heard helps them feel valued too and helps them to gain an understanding as to why the behaviour happened in the first place, as well as receive reassurance that it won’t happen again. All the things that don’t happen in traditional punitive systems.

Discussing their feelings (at the time and now) helps young people to connect their feelings with their behaviour and allows them to understand how their feelings impact their behaviour, thus increasing their emotional literacy and ability to regulate their emotions. Again, this reduces the likelihood of them acting impulsively but also adds another protective factor which, in turn, increases their resilience[6].

The Science of Connection

The efficacy of the restorative approach is backed by neuroscience. The human brain is wired for connection. When children experience safe, empathetic relationships, their brains develop the pathways needed for emotional regulation and social understanding [7]. In contrast, punitive environments often create stress and fear – states that shut down the very parts of the brain needed for reflection and growth.

Neuroscience also aligns with social research: belonging isn’t just an emotional luxury – it’s a biological necessity. When young people feel safely connected, their brains release oxytocin and activate regions linked to empathy and regulation. When they feel excluded or threatened, stress responses dominate, reinforcing defensive or impulsive behaviours such as knife-carrying or aggression. Restorative conversations rebuild those neural pathways of safety and trust; literally rewiring the brain for empathy and connection.

In an era where digital communication is overtaking face-to-face interaction, helping children develop their “social brain” has never been more important. Restorative conversations, with their focus on open, respectful dialogue, offer a simple yet powerful way to do this.

Building Belonging as Prevention

Building belonging is, therefore, not a soft alternative to enforcement; it’s a proven form of prevention. While knife crime and gang involvement are often linked, national data shows that only around 5% of knife crime with injury in London was gang-related[8], highlighting that the underlying issue is broader: disconnection. By focusing on connection, through restorative practice, strong school relationships, and community inclusion, we address the root cause, not just the symptom.

What’s Next?

Community leaders, educators, and policymakers must look beyond punitive approaches. By investing in restorative practices, we not only reduce violence and gang membership, increase empathy and responsibility but also give young people the sense of belonging and resilience they need.

Behaviour Matters has been helping schools implement Restorative Approaches, including training children as Peer Mediators, for over 12 years. If you’d like to learn more about how it might benefit your school, youth club or youth centre, I’d love to chat. Please give me a call on 07432033569 or drop me an email at leanneguillen@behaviourmatters.org.uk

REFERENCES:

[1] McVie, S. (2010). Gang membership and knife carrying: Findings from the Edinburgh Study of Youth Transitions and Crime. Scottish Centre for Crime and Justice Research

[2] Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370–396.

[3] Hallsworth, S. & Young, T. (2019). Gang Talk and Gang Research: A Critique. Crime, Media, Culture, 15(1), 151–168

[4] All-Party Parliamentary Group (APPG) on Knife Crime. (2019). Back to School? Breaking the link between school exclusions and knife crime. The Ben Kinsella Trust.

[5] Ward, J., Tinkler, S., & Simkiss, D. (2020). Protective and risk factors for youth violence and weapon carrying among adolescents: A systematic review. BMC Public Health, 20(1), 145

[6]  Daniel, S.K., Abdel-Baki, R. & Hall, G.B. The Protective Effect of Emotion Regulation on Child and Adolescent Wellbeing. J Child Fam Stud 29, 2010–2027 (2020).

[7] Cozolino, L. (2014). The Neuroscience of Human Relationships: Attachment and the Developing Social Brain. W. W. Norton & Co.  and Decety, J., & Cowell, J. M. (2015). Empathy, Justice, and Moral Behavior. AJOB Neuroscience, 6(3), 3–14 and Carter, C. S. (2014). Oxytocin pathways and the evolution of human behavior. Annual Review of Psychology, 65, 17–39.

[8] Mayor’s Office for Policing and Crime (MOPAC). (2020). Knife Crime Strategy: Data Summary

Durlak, J. A., et al. (2011). The Impact of Enhancing Students’ Social and Emotional Learning: A Meta-Analysis of School-Based Universal Interventions. Child Development, 82(1), 405–432

The Restorative Approach as a Whole School Ethos

The Restorative Approach is often seen simply as a way to manage conflict or misbehaviour in schools but is in fact far more than that. When truly embraced, it becomes a way of being in a school, where the whole school ethos is centred around relationships, reparation and responsibility. This builds connection, community, and provides children with the protective factors they so desperately need. Schools are in a unique and powerful position to help children develop the resilience necessary to survive, and thrive, during times of adversity.

A true Restorative Approach is not a tool to pick up when things go wrong. It is part of the everyday interactions within a school. It’s how staff talk and listen to students, how students talk to each other, and how the whole school community responds when harm occurs. This doesn’t mean there are no boundaries or consequences. But it does mean those consequences are rooted in learning and relationships, not blame, shame or punishment.

As a result, a restorative school culture fosters a sense of belonging, one of the strongest buffers against mental ill-health{3}. It teaches that mistakes are opportunities to learn, that conflict can lead to growth, and that relationships matter. These protective factors build a foundation of resilience, helping children navigate not just school, but life itself.

From Punishment to Restoration

Traditional punitive approaches to discipline tend to focus on blame and punishment: who did wrong and how they should be sanctioned. While this may bring short-term compliance, it rarely creates meaningful and lasting change. Punishment often pushes children away, damages relationships, and fuels feelings of shame or rejection; precisely the factors that increase vulnerability to mental ill-health. Exclusion, detentions, and suspensions may stop immediate misbehaviour, but they do little to teach the skills needed to repair harm or navigate relationships, nor do they help children to see the impact of their actions on others, take responsibility for their actions or develop empathy. In fact, they do the opposite; they push away and alienate those children who particularly need to belong.

Restorative conversations encourage young people to explore how their actions affect others, and to be heard themselves. This fosters emotional literacy and empathy – skills proven to protect against poor mental health (in fact, EQ – Emotional Quotient – is a better predictor of success in later life than IQ – Intelligence Quotient{4}). Furthermore, when children feel heard, valued, and connected to their community, their resilience grows. Instead of being excluded or shamed, they learn to reflect, repair, and restore.

Back to the Roots of ‘Discipline’

After all, the word discipline originally comes from the Latin disciplina, meaning “to teach or instruct” and “to learn”. Discipline was intended to guide and educate, not punish. Over time, however, the term has become almost synonymous with punishment – a shift that has contributed to systems where children are punished rather than guided. RA restores discipline to its original meaning. Instead of asking, “Who is to blame?” it asks, “What happened, who was affected, and what can we do to make things right?” Instead of punishment, RA emphasises learning, reflection, and relationship-building. Restorative conversations give both the harmer and the harmee the opportunity to be heard in a non-judgemental, supportive and safe space. This not only builds and repairs relationships, but helps everyone feel valued, respected and that they belong; these are the very protective factors that research shows help young people thrive.

A Case in Point

Imagine a student hits another student. In a punitive system, the likely response would be detention or exclusion. In other words, imposing a consequence but doing little to explore the reasons behind the behaviour or its impact on the other student. The harmer is given no opportunity to explain what drove their actions or to hear how those actions affected the other student. The harmee is left without a voice; unable to share how the incident made them feel or to receive reassurance that it will not happen again. Neither child’s needs are met, and no steps are taken to repair the harm, rebuild trust and move forward. In essence, the harm remains unresolved.

In contrast, a restorative approach brings the harmer and the harmee together, focusing on dialogue, accountability, and repair. In that safe, non-judgemental space, the harmer is able to reflect on their behaviour, express what they were thinking and feeling at the time, and listen to the perspective of the person they harmed. The harmee has the opportunity to speak openly about the impact, be heard, and receive acknowledgment of their feelings. Together they can work toward understanding and agree steps to make amends, creating the possibility of healing and preventing future harm.

Punitive methods focus on compliance rather than connection. They may stop undesired behaviour temporarily, but they fail to teach the deeper skills of emotional literacy, empathy, or self-regulation. Restorative Approaches address the root causes of misbehaviour, strengthen relationships, give children a sense of belonging and create protective factors that improve mental health and well-being.

What’s Next?

If you are an educator, parent, or policymaker, consider how your school culture responds to behaviour. Ask yourself: does it push children away, or bring them back into the fold? By embedding restorative practices, we can protect mental health, restore the true meaning of discipline, and create stronger, more resilient school communities and children better equipped to face the world.

Behaviour Matters has been helping schools implement Restorative Approaches, including training children as Peer Mediators, for over 12 years. If you’d like to learn more about how it might benefit your school, I’d love to chat. Please give me a call on 07432033569 or dop me an email at leanneguillen@behaviourmatters.org.uk

{1}  Children’s Commissioner for England on Children’s Mental Health Services, 2024

{2}  The Lancet Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 2025

{3}  Allen, KA., Greenwood, C.J., Berger, E. et al. Adolescent School Belonging and Mental Health Outcomes in Young Adulthood: Findings from a Multi-wave Prospective Cohort Study. School Mental Health 16, 149–160 (2024)

{4}  EQ vs. IQ Which is Most Important in the Success of Failure of a Student? Procedia – Social and Behavioural Sciences, 46, 5211-5213 (2012)

With 1 in 8 children and young people between the age of 5 and 16 suffering from a clinically diagnosable mental health issue (Mental Health of Children and Young People Survey, 2018) and with these figures on the rise, school staff are in a unique position to help address the problem by supporting the children in their care. School is the only environment that staff can control for children and young people.  It is, therefore, vital that school staff do what they can to provide stability within the school setting to increase Protective Factors and ensure pupils are best equipped to handle the adverse conditions they may be faced with outside school.

A Risk Factor can be defined as “a characteristic at the biological, psychological, family, community, or cultural level that is associated with a higher likelihood of problem outcomes.” (O’Connell, Boat, & Warner, 2009).  Risk Factors are things like: poverty, domestic violence, neglect, attachment issues. It is highly likely that there has been an increase in Risk Factors as a result of lockdown, during the Covid Pandemic (NSPCC Learning, 2020), making this issue all the more pertinent today.  Contrastingly, a Protective Factor is an aspect of “individual or environmental characteristics, conditions, or behaviours that reduce the effects of stressful life events; increase an individual’s ability to avoid risks or hazards; and promote social and emotional competence to thrive in all aspects of life now and in the future.” (Kipke,1999).  Protective Factors are things like: being able to self-regulate emotions, having a significant adult, having good self-esteem; all of which contribute to resilience in the face of adversity.  Given this, then the school environment and its relationships, including pupil-teacher, have a role to play in developing children and young people’s resilience. In order that a child is able to thrive and not just survive, any Risk Factors need to be balanced with Protective Factors.

When the main Risk Factor in a pupil’s life is an attachment issue or ‘lack of Significant Adult’, it’s possible that an adult at school could become their ‘Significant’ Adult.  If a good relationship and connection is built, not only can the staff member become the attachment figure for the pupil, but, in so doing, they can also help to increase the pupil’s self-esteem and self-worth.

SCHOOL STAFF AS SIGNIFICANT ADULT

Some of the problems associated with attachment issues (see our blog on Understanding Attachment and Developmental Trauma) can be counteracted with much care, attention and appropriate responses from another adult with whom the child may be in contact on a regular basis.  This could be a foster carer, social worker, adoptive parent, or one of their teachers (Murphey, et al 2013).

A particularly positive relationship between an adult and a child, where it can be seen to have a beneficial effect on the emotional, mental, academic and/or social growth of the young person can be called a ‘developmental relationship’ (Li & Julian, 2012).

PROTECTIVE FACTOR OF TEACHER-PUPIL RELATIONSHIPS

Bergin, C., & Bergin, D. (2009) investigated and presented the importance of every student having at least one significant adult with whom they have a caring relationship.  They report on studies by Hamre and Pianta (2001), where it has been shown that particular pupils (those typically with more Rik Factors outside of school) who had not formed a good relationship with their primary school teachers, found it more difficult to form a relationship with their secondary school teachers, as well as developing more behavioural problems when moving on to secondary school.  The primary school teachers reported that it was especially difficult to form a bond with certain pupils, who, upon investigation, were revealed to have insecure or disorganised attachment at home. It is even more important to invest the time to develop good relationships with these pupils. As Nicholas Ferroni insightfully states, “Students who are loved at home, come to school to learn, and students who aren’t, come to school to be loved.”

A child needs someone who knows them well, knows their strengths, respects them, can ‘check in’ with them regularly and act as an advocate, if necessary. Given that a teacher also, traditionally, has a role of authority, as well as nurturing (VanderStaay et al. 2009) it would appear natural for some sort of attachment to occur, as they are also a source of security and safety, both of which are fundamental to the initial principles of attachment.  If the relationship between teacher and pupil is also a positive and caring one, a strong, attachment-like relationship can form. This relationship can go some way towards filling the void in the pupil’s life where an attachment relationship was absent, and, in turn, help to build the emotional development of the child that may otherwise be stinted.

Having a positive relationship with the teacher, built on trust and mutual respect, also serves to challenge the pupil’s Unhealthy Inner Working Model (the way they view the world and themselves), enabling them to see that the world may not be such a hostile place after all, that adults are trustworthy and can be counted on and that they themselves are, indeed, worthy.  This can then have an impact on their other relationships, now and in the future.

In addition to boosting their self-esteem and sense of self-worth, feeling the support of the teacher can also boost the pupils’ motivation to learn.  The motivation to do well can be because of a desire to please the teacher, prove to the teacher that they are capable of succeeding and to show the teacher that the effort they put into planning and giving lessons was indeed effective.  They will feel encouraged to succeed both for themselves and for the teacher (Fry & Coe 1980).  Additionally, if the pupil likes the teacher and feels that the teacher likes them in return, they will be less likely to misbehave and act disruptively during classes, and therefore less likely to sabotage their own learning and the learning of others around them.

IMPLEMENTING THESE FINDINGS INTO TEACHING PRACTICE

There are many positive and effective ways that teachers can develop positive relationships with pupils and increase the possibility of becoming a Significant Adult in a pupil’s life.  First and foremost by showing the child that they care about and are interested in them.  This can be done in a variety of ways, starting out with a simple, personalised greeting whenever they see them. In their first lesson, the teacher can get pupils to fill in questionnaires about their interests, hobbies and hopes, and then use this information in future lessons, as well as in interactions with the pupil.  Including personal information in lessons, not only makes the lessons more personal and relevant to the pupils, but also shows them that the teacher has been paying attention to them and has made an effort to make them feel included and represented.  This gives them a sense of importance and worthiness. Having fun with pupils also helps to break down barriers and build relationships.

Small gestures can show the pupil you care and will be there for them. This is particularly important where young people have significant attachment issues and have not been able to count on adults to meet their needs. One way to do this is by swapping pens while they complete a task during the lesson, or at the end of the day and saying to them that in the next lesson, or the next day, you will swap back.  This lets the pupil know that you will be there for them later, or the next day, as and when expected; that you are consistent in their life. It also shows the pupil that you will keep your word and that you are reliable; again challenging their unhealthy IWM.  Showing that you have been thinking about the pupil, even when they are not there, is a very effective way of establishing a positive relationship with them. It lets the pupil know that they have been ‘kept in mind’, something that has been lacking for children with insecure attachments (Mikulincer, Shaver, & Pereg 2003).  For example, if they support a certain sports team, mentioning that you thought about the pupil at the weekend as you saw their team playing, will have a huge effect on their self-esteem and need for attention, as well as helping to build an attachment-like relationship (Bombèr 2011).

Schools should become ‘attachment aware’ so that they understand that the difficulties pupils are experiencing may manifest as behaviour issues. For example, pupils who demonstrate disruptive and ‘attention seeking’ behaviour, could actually be ‘attention needing’. It’s important that teachers understand this and know how to deal with the behaviour in a more appropriate way, rather than punishing, which only serves to create more problems by reinforcing the Unhealthy IWM. Children may need ‘time in’, rather than ‘time out’, bringing them closer, rather than pushing them away or excluding them.

There is an excellent Ted Talk – Every Child Deserves a Champion, by Rita Pierson – that is well worth watching. Rita kept peanut butter and crackers in her desk drawer because she had students who she knew would not have eaten a proper breakfast.  Whilst it’s obvious that being hungry can be detrimental to learning because of a lack of energy and the inability to concentate, the reasons for missing breakfast, which could be an unstable home-life, lack of food in the house, or lack of significant adult, are also significant Risk Factors.  Rita’s gesture not only provided essential sustenance for the day of learning ahead, but also showed kindness and concern to those pupils who needed it.

Mealtimes are often an important time for talking, sharing and relationship-building and this can be emulated within the school.  Secondary school teachers seldom eat lunch with their pupils in the canteen, yet this would be an ideal opportunity to build the teacher-pupil relationship.  This casual period, outside of lesson time, provides an opportunity to talk about life beyond school, taking the teacher-pupil relationship outside the classroom and showing the child that they are important to their teacher on a personal, as well as academic level.  This type of relationship enables the child to grow emotionally and socially.

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (2014) explored ways in which the theories of attachment and pupil-teacher relationships can be applied to teaching practice and implemented in schools.  Some of their suggestions included the school involving pupils in crucial decision-making, such as in the creation of School Policies, in order to make them feel important and valued. Giving them a voice shows them that the school staff not only care about their learning but also about them as an individual and that they respect their opinion. Another way could be structuring the school so that the pupils have the same teacher for the same subject, wherever feasible, throughout their school career as they move up through the school, in order to keep as much consistency in their lives as possible.

As mentioned, coping mechanisms, developed due to insecure attachment, often manifest themselves as behaviour issues in school.  These are frequently misinterpreted and subsequently dealt with by teachers in the wrong way, for example by punishing the child with detention or exclusion and further exacerbating the situation.  Being excluded from school isolates the child further, rather than encouraging them to talk about how they feel and to find out more about why they may have acted the way they did, thus further reducing their chances of forming positive relationships.  Using a Restorative Approach to behaviour management, not only enables the pupil to see and understand the consequences their actions have on other people, have their voice heard and feel valued, but also helps them to recognise the thoughts and feelings that might be driving their behaviour, which, in turn helps them to learn how to self-regulate (which, remember, is also a Protective Factor.  This exculpatory approach to behaviour management also provides another platform on which to build trust and respect between the teacher and all the pupils involved, thus strengthening relationships.

As demonstrated, having a Significant Adult is crucial in the development of a child’s socio-emotional well-being, which in turn is the foundation for academic success, as well as for their happiness and success in life beyond school. It must, therefore, be a high priority for all teachers everywhere.

The Children and Families Act, 2014, resulted in a new Code of Practice for SEND, placing children and young people and their families at the heart of planning and decision making. The underlying premise of the Education Health Care Plan is that it should be done ‘with’, not ‘to’ the child/young person; it should be person-centred.

What is Person-Centred Planning?

According to the SEND Code of Practice, January 2015 (Section 9.22), “A person-centred approach within a family context can ensure that children, young people and their parents are involved in all aspects of planning and decision-making.”  This ensures that support is tailored to the needs, wants and aspirations of the individual, rather than a one-size fits all approach by enabling “the child or young person, and those that know them best to say what they have done, what they are interested in and what outcomes they are seeking in the future.”

One-Page Profiles

One-page profiles are not only an important part of the EHC Plan but are also useful in many areas of a child’s life.  They can be created by parents or teaching staff, along with the child, and give a snapshot of a child’s likes, dislikes, strengths and areas where they might need a bit more support.

One-page profiles are particularly useful in schools and especially on days where there might be a supply teacher covering the class.  They can also be given to other professionals, as well as leaders of any social activities that a child attends. They provide important and useful information about the child, without the need to read through a file and, as such, can pre-empt any potential difficulties and avoid unnecessary meltdowns.

One-page profiles were originally developed by Helen Sanderson Associates and a whole variety of free templates for producing one can be downloaded from their website: http://helensandersonassociates.co.uk/person-centred-practice/one-page-profiles/one-page-profile-templates/

It is also possible to create a one-page profile online here: https://www.canva.com/design/DADWRzL4JbU/zXSOs9BqAHlsCudGvsaYEw/edit

There are a number of tools that can be used to help you develop a one-page profile, some of which you can find below.

Person-Centred Planning Tools

There are numerous tools, ranging in complexity, to help support and enable person-centred planning and to ensure that the child’s strengths, needs, wants, likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams and aspirations are taken into account when planning for their future.  Some of these tools are:

Circle of Support

Circles of support may also be known as Relationship Circles or Circles of Friends. They show the important people in a child’s life.  These are also often the people who will contribute to, and help to sustain, their person-centred plan.

Communication Chart

Communication Charts can provide a snapshot of how the child communicates.  They are particularly useful for non-verbal children, or for when their particular actions communicate a message more clearly than their words, for example, a child covering a doll with a blanket to communicate that they are tired and need a nap.  It helps other people understand their actions, particularly those who may not know them so well, and helps to minimize misunderstandings and frustration.

Good Day/Bad Day

Good day/bad day is a person-centred thinking tool that asks the child to describe what a typical day is like, starting from when they wake up until they go to bed. Finding out what makes a particularly good day, or a particularly bad day, can help you to put strategies in place to increase the number of good days and decrease the bad.  It also helps to discover the child’s likes/dislikes.

Important To vs. Important For

In order for children to feel happy, whilst ensuring they stay safe, it is important to achieve a balance between the things that are important TO them and the things that are important FOR them.

Things that are important TO us could be small but important details of our daily lives, the way we spend our time, the people in our lives and the things we do together.  Things that are important TO us can also be things that we don’t want in our lives. For example, “never feeling rushed” or “not being around loud people.”  These are the things that help us to feel happy, content and fulfilled.

Things that are important FOR us are the things that help us to stay healthy and safe. For example, making sure we have our medication on time.  It’s important that these only include the things that are relevant to the person at the time, not just general things that are important for anyone to be healthy and safe or valued.

Remember, both things that are important TO and things that are important FOR can change!

It’s important to remember that person-centred planning is an ongoing process, not a one-off event, and that as a child/young person grows and develops, so do their wants, needs, likes and dislikes.  Hopefully, the tools we’ve suggested will help you to develop a profile that will make the child in your life – be it as school staff or parent – feel happier and better understood and will help those around them support them as needed.

Whilst Restorative Approaches have traditionally been seen in the criminal justice and youth offending systems, as well as more recently and, increasingly, in schools, it is also something that parents and carers can use very effectively at home.

Using a Restorative Approach is not just the latest ‘fad’ in education, its roots go back hundreds, if not thousands, of years to traditional, indigenous communities like Native Americans, Aboriginals and Maoris.  Who, whenever there was wrongdoing or conflict within their community, would come together peacefully, in a circle, to discuss it and agree reparation.

In contrast to traditional, punitive methods of discipline, where the focus is on who’s to blame and what the punishment should be, the restorative approach looks at what harm has been caused and how can it be repaired.  It is underpinned by the restorative values of empathy, accountability and putting things right for all involved.  Relationships are at the heart of the restorative approach.  We like to call it ‘The 4 Rs of a Restorative Approach’ – Relationships, Responsibility, Reparation, Resilience.

There are many reasons why using a restorative approach is especially important in today’s world, where we are facing a worrying increase in knife crime, less sense of belonging and increased mental health issues in young people.  Also, the increasing use of digital media is decreasing our face-to-face interaction, which means that children are spending less time developing social skills, such as empathy. Empathy is proven to impact children’s future success in all areas of life; relationships, career, emotional well-being.  Using a restorative approach helps to redress this balance. Not only does it seek to repair harm and restore relationships, but the process and questions involved, encourage children to take responsibility for their actions, realise the impact of their actions on other people, develop empathy, understand how their thoughts and feelings affect their behaviour, and learn vital problem-solving skills.  All of which increase children’s resilience and their ability to cope with whatever life throws their way.

All this is in stark contrast to sanction-based discipline, which usually does not affect any long-term change of behaviour, but rather can lead to relationship breakdown and resentment, or simply a change in behaviour to avoid punishment, not because of an understanding that it may be wrong or harmful. Nor does it provide an opportunity for children to learn from their mistakes.

So, how does it work?

Whilst restorative language can be used in our everyday life – talking about and sharing our thoughts and feelings in a supportive, non-judgemental way – let’s look here at using it in a targeted way, in response to an incident in a typical, family scenario:

Let’s say a fight has broken out between siblings because the younger sister has gone into her older sister’s room and taken something without asking.  With a more traditional approach, perhaps the younger sister would be made to give it back and told that she mustn’t do that again, she must respect her sister’s property and must ask before using something.  Or, perhaps, the older sister is told that she must be a bit more understanding of her younger sister and share her things.  Both of which might resolve the situation short-term, but is it meeting their needs? Is any learning taking place and what might happen next time?

We want any wrongdoing or ‘misbehaviour’ to be used as a learning opportunity. After all, the word ‘discipline’ comes from the root word ‘disciple’ which means to teach or guide, not punish!   And, using a restorative approach does exactly that.

Using a restorative approach, the parent would bring the two together and ask each in turn a series of questions, in a neutral, non-judgemental way, without assigning any blame.  They would ask the first one what happened, what they were thinking or feeling, both at the time and now, they’d then paraphrase what they’d heard, before asking the same questions to the second child.  (Paraphrasing is important because not only does it clarify your understanding of what’s happened and lets the child know you’ve listened to them, it also ensures that the other child hears their sibling’s side of the story – they might not be listening when their sibling says it, particularly if they are angry at them, but are likely to listen when you do.)  Hearing each other’s story and how they felt/are feeling is very powerful and helps children develop empathy and realise the impact of their actions oenn someone else.  It’s far more powerful than simply being told by an adult.  Next, you might ask them if anyone else has been affected and how (but this would depend on whether their behaviour has impacted others); this helps them to see the wider impact of their actions. Then, you would ask each in turn what needs to happen to repair the harm.  It’s important that they come up with the solutions and we don’t jump in here.  As adults, we often think we know what’s best and what needs to be done but we don’t really know what the children need to make things better and you might be surprised at what they come up with.  It’s important that you get agreement from both as to what needs to be done and so you might need to go back and forth, if at first they don’t agree on a solution.  You can do this simply by saying, ‘Can you think of anything else that you can both agree on?’  Once agreement on a way forward has been reached, finish off by asking ‘How can we make sure this doesn’t happen again?’ Again, allow them to come up with the ideas and value all ideas, until they come up with one that is doable.

Using a restorative approach gives the conflict back to those whose conflict it is to resolve it. It allows the ‘victim’ the chance to be heard and enables the ‘harmer’ to see how what they have done has affected someone else and empowers them to put things right.

By repairing the harm, the relationship is restored.  A restorative approach is a respectful, responsive way to manage wrong-doing, which creates a harmonious, happy home in which everyone feels valued and respected and where, importantly, they feel they belong.

For more information about how this approach is used in schools and the positive effect it can have, see our blogs ‘Building Responsible Children Using a Restorative Approach’ and ‘Embracing a Whole School Restorative Approach – the Positive Impact’.

Sometimes, children are not able to manage their ‘big emotions’, resulting in a meltdown or explosion either in the classroom or at home, which can then lead to further distress caused by sanctions or other negative consequences.  Often, these sanctions do not teach the child coping strategies and just make the situation worse. One possible reason for this disruptive behaviour is poor self-regulation, so it can be helpful to look at what might be going on and what we can do to help.

What is self-regulation?

Self-regulation is the ability to understand and manage your emotions and behaviour in response to things happening around you. It helps you to control your impulses (to make better decisions), to not over-react when upset or excited, and to be able to calm down after an incident, should one occur.

Self-regulation is initially learned through co-regulation. Co-regulation occurs between a baby/child and a warm, responsive caregiver, where the caregiver meets the child’s physical and emotional needs and soothes/calms the child when they are experiencing ‘big emotions’. This, in turn, builds the neural architecture which is necessary for the child to learn to self-regulate; to feel secure and manage their own emotions.

Self-regulation can also be taught, but only once co-regulation has taken place. It is important that teachers and parents work together to find the most effective strategies, so children are able to manage the ‘big emotions’ and challenges they may face, as well as follow rules and understand limits.

See our blog: ‘Recognising Toxic Stress and Nurturing the Child Within’, to learn more about how trauma in childhood can result in toxic stress, which can affect emotional regulation.

Why is self-regulation important?

Managing our feelings and emotions is vital, as our ability to do so can affect our lives in so many ways. Not only can it affect our physical, emotional and social wellbeing but also our academic achievement; research shows that young children with poor self-regulation skills tend to make less academic progress (McClelland et al., 2007).

Self-regulation can affect physical wellbeing by boosting healthy brain development, as well as overall better health outcomes, such as reduced incidents of heart disease, obesity and drug dependency.

Emotionally, self-regulation helps nurture a more positive sense of self, as well as the ability to cope better with stress, which is particularly important given the increasing levels of mental health issues in children.

Socially, it is beneficial for social skills that affect friendships and getting along with others, and can affect the teacher-pupil relationship.

All this can lead to more success at school and throughout life.

Why do some children struggle to self-regulate?

There are many reasons why some children find it harder to self-regulate than others, including:

• Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) in early life, such as being adopted or looked after. ACEs may include prolonged stressful events, poverty, or other traumatic experiences. Co-regulation is particularly important for these children.
• Children who have additional needs, e.g. social communication difficulties, ADHD or sensory processing difficulties.
• Temperament – some children are more reactive than others.
• Physical needs not being met, e.g. hungry or tired.

It is important to note that poor self-regulation can be displayed through externalising (shouting and screaming) or internalising behaviours (being withdrawn).  Be mindful of the fact that internal behaviours are not always obvious, as they are directed inward.

What can we do to help?

Fortunately, self-regulation is something that can be learned with help and support from caregivers, so whether you are a teacher or a parent, you can play a very important role in helping children learn to self-regulate. Children do not learn to self-regulate on their own, and at first their behaviour is driven by impulses, as we see in toddler tantrums!  We need to find teachable moments to help children learn to self-regulate by using co-regulation and skills instruction, as well as practice (and plenty of praise when they try to manage their feelings).

Early childhood is when our brains experience huge growth, especially in the frontal cortex (the area most closely associated with self-regulation), so this is an important time to start learning self-regulation.  Research shows us that teaching self-regulation skills to preschool children improved their school readiness (Duncan et al., 2017). However, because our brains also experience major change during adolescence, children of any age will benefit from self-regulation interventions.

As you might expect, studies have shown that younger children are taught self-regulation mainly through co-regulation, but this is less so for older children, who tend to be taught by direct skills instruction. However, neuroscience tells us that even older children respond to co-regulation and may even need it in order to learn to self-regulate.

Strategies

 Modelling

It is important for adults to regulate their own emotions, before addressing their child’s.  If we are stressed as we go to help a child, we will not be as effective.  Even if emotions are rising inside, it is important to present a calm front to the child.  Children are perceptive observers of adults and will be learning from how we manage our own emotions. So, start off with modelling self-control.

Co-regulate

Co-regulate by providing a warm, responsive relationship with the child/young person, which will in turn, teach them skills to self-regulate. To co-regulate effectively, you need to get alongside the child/young person in their time of distress, reassure them and acknowledge their feelings, using a soothing voice and calm manner.  It’s important to focus on the emotion and not on the behaviour (i.e. the anger rather than the swearing).

Use empathy

Use empathy to acknowledge a child’s feelings. Don’t dismiss feelings – they are so important!

Talk about emotions

Find opportunities to talk about the range of emotions we all experience – how we all experience different feelings, it’s normal and it’s how we manage them that’s important.  Use story books, songs or games to make it fun.

Games

There are a number of games to help children learn self-regulation skills which involve waiting and turn-taking and provide a fun way of teaching impulse-control:

• Red Light – Green Light. The children run around freely – when ‘Red light’ is called out, they freeze – when ‘Green light’ is called out, they run.  Swap it round so they have to go against their impulses.
• Musical Statues – when the music stops, they must freeze. Also in reverse.
• Follow my Clap – clap a rhythm and get the children to copy it.
• Body Part Mix-up – get children to touch a series of body parts i.e. head, toes, knees. Then replace one of the body parts, so when you say ‘toes’ they must touch their ears.  This gets them not to just act instinctively.

You may want to use a timer and extend the time you play slowly.

Take a Break

Regular breaks in the learning – for those children who find it difficult to focus for long periods of time – to stretch or play a quick game such as ‘Shake Your Sillies Out’. 2-3 minutes spent doing this can help refocus and relax.

Mindfulness or Meditation

If you sense your child getting stressed, then try to engage them in a quiet activity.  Mindfulness and meditation are a good way for children to learn to pause and focus on breathing and calming down highly-charged emotions. There are some fabulous apps where you can find a range of meditations for children

Sensory specific adjustments

Consider any sensory issues specific to the child e.g. dimming the lights may help a child with visual sensitivity.

We hope this blog gives more insight into the importance of helping children develop self-regulation and provides you with some ideas to use in the classroom or at home.

Congratulations from all at Behaviour Matters who are proud to have been part of their journey to become a fully restorative school.  Over the last two years we have run a series of training sessions, training all staff in Restorative Approaches, Year 5 and 6 pupils as Peer Mediators, and parents in Restorative Parenting.

It was great to see their October Ofsted inspection resulting in a rating of GOOD with OUSTANDING features, with the following positive comments:

• “The school’s work to promote pupils’ personal development and welfare is outstanding.”
• “The behaviour of pupils is outstanding. The culture of high expectations, support and nurture that has been established by leaders has resulted in pupils’ exemplary conduct around the school.”
• “Pupils feel happy and safe at school. They feel that the rare incidents of bullying are dealt with very quickly and effectively by adults. They also appreciate the work of ‘peer mediators’, who help to resolve any issues during playtimes.”

Finally, it was very encouraging to see that the historically low rates of attendance across the school have improved, with Ofsted commenting: “Attendance has improved and is currently in line with the national average. Furthermore, the attendance of pupils who have had high levels of absence is quickly improving.”

Congratulations to all the staff for working consistently to do the best for their pupils, to the Peer Mediators who make the playground a happier place and to all the pupils, who together have made Istead Rise a truly cohesive school community.

THE EVOLUTION OF STRESS

Stress is our physiological survival response to threat.  The stress response is what often kept us alive as primitive man.  As hunter-gatherers, when confronted by a woolly mammoth, we either needed to run away as fast as we could or fight with all our might.  To mobilise our body for action our primitive brain flooded our body with stress hormones (cortisol, adrenaline and noradrenaline) causing our heart to beat faster, pumping oxygenated blood to our muscles.  Nowadays, we no longer need to run away from woolly mammoths, but our physiological stress response remains the same.  This fight-flight stress response not only ignites our ‘primitive brain’ but shuts down our ‘thinking brain’ making it impossible for us to think or respond rationally.

Harvard University Centre on the Developing Child refer to three levels of stress; positive, tolerable and toxic.  Positive Stress occurs as the result of brief increases in heart rate and mild elevations in stress hormones.  This can sometimes help motivate us to reach our goals and can even boost our memory e.g. when sitting exams. Tolerable stress is the result of a more severe event where the stress response is more prolonged and intense but, when supported and co-regulated by a caring adult, the child is able to return to a neutral state, which contributes to the development of healthy stress response systems; something vital for our future mental and physical well-being.

WHEN DOES STRESS BECOME TOXIC?

There are times when stress can be problematic. If/when a baby suffers neglect or abuse at an early age, the stress response can affect the developing brain architecture and brain chemistry. Because most brain development happens in the first four years of life, trauma during this time has the most damaging effect on development.  When cortisol floods an infant’s brain, this ‘cortisol wash’ causes changes in brain structure that can have lifelong implications in behaviour, learning and health, and lead to what is known as ‘Toxic Stress’.  Toxic tress can also happen in later childhood and adulthood and effects will differ depending on the age of the person and the stage of brain development.

IMPLICATIONS FOR BEHAVIOUR

• Overreactive behaviour and increased aggression. The over-activation of the primitive brain, strengthens the neuronal connections that lead to the Fight-or-Flight response; these children are living in constant high-alert and are unable to control their behaviour, or calm themselves down.
• Hyper-vigilant to their surroundings. Unable to settle, always on the look-out for perceived danger and in survival mode.
• Difficulty with relationships/interacting. Some children may distrust others which can lead to difficulty with friendships, as well as difficulty with authority or criticism from adults.

IMPLICATIONS FOR HEALTH

Research also shows that prolonged stress can have serious health implications throughout life, including:

• Compromised immune system. Children may have more stomach aches, trouble fighting off infections etc. and therefore have worse school attendance.
• Mental health disorders, such as depression.
• Health problems later in life such as heart disease (particularly atherosclerosis – the accumulation of fatty plaques inside blood vessels) and increased risk of cancer.

IMPLICATIONS FOR LEARNING

Toxic Stress has huge implications for learning, not only as a result of the behavioural effects, but also how it affects brain architecture. Brain imaging shows that vital connections in the frontal cortex (the ‘thinking brain’) and hippocampus are not made or even shrink, leading to impaired learning and performance in school.  Furthermore, the amygdala (the area responsible for processing feelings and emotion) becomes more developed, leading to increased anxiety and vigilance.  So, for those children suffering from Toxic Stress, it is a double-edged sword.

They may have difficulty in a number of areas:

• Cognitive delay – they may have problems with their working memory, as well as their executive function (planning and problem solving).
• Maintaining focus – they may be easily distracted.
• Poor listening skills.
• Get frustrated with difficult tasks.

Remember, these children are constantly just trying to survive and therefore learning is not a priority.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO HELP?

The first thing we need to do is to recognise why they are behaving like this.  Having an understanding of what is going on in the child’s brain will help us respond more empathically.  They are not behaving like this deliberately.  So instead of thinking “What’s wrong with you?”, you may want to think “What’s happened to you?”

Brain plasticity means that the brain architecture is not fixed and is capable of change.  By implementing the right strategies we can help build new connections and thus a healthier brain.

• Supportive stable trusting relationship. Can you provide a Key Adult? By acknowledging and accepting a child’s feelings it lets them know you care.  All children need someone in their lives that say, “I believe in you…you’re ok”.  If this doesn’t happen at home, then it can happen in school.  This can give a child security to heal and build new brain pathways which are positive.  With good care, we can improve brain growth, whilst also giving the child that crucial sense of safety and belonging.
• Provide a safe place for the child to talk. Having a ‘Listening Ear’ or Key Adult can provide a place where the child knows it’s okay to talk.  These children need somewhere to go to allow their brain and body to calm down.
• Co-regulation/Emotion Coaching. These children are likely to have difficulty with self-regulation because they may not have experienced co-regulation of their emotions when they were young.  It’s therefore important to talk about feelings and emotions to help them to recognise and manage ‘big’ emotions.  Use reflective listening and empathy to label and validate the child’s feelings.  Use problem solving strategies to recognise triggers, as well as help the child learn strategies to deal with problems or issues.
• Teach children about their brains. Children love to learn how their brains work.  Teaching them to understand the physiological basis for their behaviour helps them to manage their emotions.
• Drumming or Dancing. Children’s brains develop from the bottom up, so we need to address the issues arising from the ‘primitive’ brain first before we can help the ‘thinking’ brain. Dr Bruce Perry (Head of the Child Trauma Academy) states that “the only way to move from a super-high anxiety state, to a more calm cognitive state, is rhythm”.  He believes this patterned, repetitive rhythmic activity, such as walking, drumming, dancing, singing uses brainstem related somatosensory networks which enables cortical thinking.
• Ways to calm and build the brain. This can change the damage done to the brain by the Toxic Stress. Dr. Lori Desautels describes how ‘focused attention practices’ are a neurological strategy for calming an angry and anxiety-ridden brain”.   There are many ways you can calm the brain, such as mindfulness and deep breathing which causes oxygenated glucose blood to flow to our frontal lobes (taking just three deep inhales and exhales calms the emotional brain).  She also describes how she begins class with a 90 seconds hand massage with children rubbing lotion into their hands.

Remember, you can make a difference in the life of every child you interact with every day.

Child development is a complex process and cannot be explained simply by one or two theories.  There is an interplay of experiences, relationships and genetic factors in everyone’s lives and that leads to the wonderful rich diversity we see in every community.

However, Attachment Theory is one which has been attracting more attention over the last few years, with more and more schools becoming ‘Attachment Aware’ and Attachment Parenting.  Attachment is a concept that has been around for many years, since the psychiatrist, John Bowlby, began his work in the late 1930’s, but what is it? Why is it important? And what do we need to consider when working with children and young people who have attachment difficulties?

WHAT IS ATTACHMENT?

Attachment is the strong, emotional, long-lasting bond which develops between a baby and their caregiver and has lifelong implications linked to feelings of security and safety.  Babies are born with a biological drive to seek protection from an adult figure – someone to look after both their physical and emotional needs.  When these needs are met, the infant ‘attaches’ to their caregiver and this attachment helps them to love and trust others, to understand the world around them, to regulate their own emotions and basically to feel ‘ok’. 

They have what we call a ‘secure attachment’ – a pattern of attachment resulting from thousands of daily interactions with their caregiver. With a secure attachment in place, the child is more likely to grow up to be a confident adult who can make healthy connections with others and feel safe in the world. However, when an infant’s physical and emotional needs are not met, the infant learns that they cannot rely on adults to meet their needs, so they must cope on their own, or develop other ways to get noticed. This all happens subconsciously; the child is unaware of it. These children are said to have an ‘insecure attachment’.

Three different patterns of insecure attachment have been identified.  Firstly, the ‘Insecure Avoidant’ style, is where the child has learnt to cope on their own, as their caregiver may have rejected or been insensitive to the child’s needs.  They are often not noticed in school, as they tend to be quiet and self-sufficient. ‘Insecure Ambivalent’ style is where the child’s focus is mainly on the teacher/caregiver, as they have experienced inconsistent and often unresponsive caregiving and so have the need to monitor relationships carefully. These children tend to remain close to the caregiver/teacher and need a lot of attention and reassurance. These two styles are actually survival strategies that the child has developed in the absence of consistent, reliable care. Finally, we have the ‘Insecure Disorganised’ style, where the child has been unable to develop a specific coping strategy, and which is the most complex pattern of insecure attachment. This normally results from a childhood of neglect or abuse where the carer, who is supposed to be the source of support, is also the person who frightens the child. These children may fluctuate between avoidant and ambivalent behaviours, find it difficult to calm themselves down and are often controlling and aggressive.

The Sutton Trust analysis of research (2014) states that 40% of children in the UK have an insecure attachment to their parents.

THE NEUROBIOLOGY OF ATTACHMENT

Attachment difficulties, sometimes known as Developmental Trauma, can lead to a number of consequences, which are becoming more apparent with advances in research methods. The wonders of neuroscience and the explosion of discoveries over the past 20 years has meant we now know much more about how attachment and trauma affects the development of our brain and how early experiences have lifelong implications on emotional and mental health. The human brain is an amazing organ with a complex network of over 100 billion neurons organised into many interconnected systems. In fact, by the time a child is three years old, the brain is about 80 percent of its adult size.  When a baby or child is exposed to constant stress or trauma, the brain releases an abundance of cortisol and over time, this leads to what is called ‘Toxic Stress’.  Brain development is affected and because of the activation of the stress hormone system, these children are living on constant high-alert – they are what we call ‘hyper-vigilant’.  There are many negative effects of this ‘toxic stress’, such as poor emotional regulation, poor working memory, poor immune system and an unhealthy sense of self, which can lead to other possible psychological issues.  However, our brain is a miraculous organ and we now know that it has the capacity to change – it has plasticity. So, with lots of help and the right support, these issues can be addressed and changed.

So what are some of the symptoms you may see and how can you help these children?  Once we understand what is going on for these children then we can respond in the best possible way.

SYMPTOMS OF ATTACHMENT DIFFICULTIES OR TRAUMA

There are numerous symptoms that could suggest attachment difficulties or trauma in children and these can be similar to other disorders or even normal child developmental stages, so getting a professional assessment is vital for diagnosis. Often these children can be labelled as ‘naughty’ due to the behaviours they exhibit, but remember, behaviour is a means of communication.  Like any other behaviour management strategy, it’s vital we look behind the behaviour to what is driving it. For these children, their behaviour is often driven by fear and anxiety, as well as a deep-rooted sense of shame.

The different patterns of insecure attachment manifest in a variety of different behaviours, however some of the most common symptoms we see are:

• Lack of empathy – these children cannot understand the feelings of others. Empathy is normally learned through early relationships by mirroring behaviours, so when early relationships are inconsistent or neglectful, this does not develop. This makes it difficult for children to understand when or why their actions may have upset or hurt other children.
• Hypervigilance – these children have their fight/flight mechanism constantly switched on, so they can be continually fidgeting and sensitive to noises and distraction around them consequently finding it difficult, or impossible, to concentrate on learning. They can also fly off the handle at the smallest issue, such as having their book knocked off the table.
• Difficult relationships – these children may feel that reliance on an adult is unsafe, so they show hostility towards a teacher or, alternatively are clingy to a teacher, where caregiving has been inconsistent. Others may have indiscriminate affection with adults as they believe this is the way to get their needs met.
• Lying, denying or blaming others – this can be a shame-based behaviour which happens as a self-defence when shame is overwhelming for the child.
• Unable to self-regulate their emotions and behaviour – learning to control anger and other emotions is also something that develops through the interaction and experience of ‘co-regulation’ with a caregiver, where this hasn’t happened children cannot learn to self-regulate.

HOW TO SUPPORT CHILDREN WITH ATTACHMENT DIFFICULTIES

So, what can be done? As previously mentioned, our brains can be changed throughout life – they have ‘plasticity’.  At home and in schools, there are a number of strategies you can use to help these children.  Here are just a few:

First, look to address the anxiety before the behaviour. It is important that the child feels safe and secure at school. Behaviourist strategies, such as praise or ‘Time-Out’, are often not successful for these children.  This is because the child feels unworthy of praise, and so it may also destroy any trust you have developed. Additionally, they have not developed cause-effect thinking, so cannot understand sanctions relating to inappropriate behaviour.  Addressing the child’s anxiety, can help their behaviour. Using ‘Time-In’ (moving the child closer to you) rather than ‘Time-Out’ can help relieve anxiety and build security.

Create a trusting relationship by having a Key Adult for the child, creating the secure adult-child relationship the child is lacking with their mother/carer.  Bomber (2011) believes teachers can become a surrogate secure base. This key adult can thus start to help the child regulate their emotions, which is vitally important as children who are able to regulate their own emotions and responses are more popular, have fewer behavioural problems, are more emotionally stable, have fewer infectious illnesses and achieve more academically in schools (Gottman et al 2007).  Relationship-based play is a great way to start building a trusting relationship.  This is where the focus of play is on the relationship not a task (such as a jigsaw) – it is about having fun together.

Differentiate the support for each child according to their needs.  This might mean relating to the emotional age of the child, which can often be a lot lower than their chronological age.  They have missed out on early experiences, so give them the chance now. An older child playing with younger children is ok – in fact they could see it as helping the younger ones,

Use praise but make sure you are specific about what you are praising and keep it quite low key – private praise often works better than public praise.  As Geddes states (2006), “Given the brain’s potential for regeneration and growth throughout life, frequent positive feedback can also help to develop and reinforce more positive responses”.

So, now we know the importance of relationships in a child’s early development, let’s do all we can to secure the best mental health for our children. You can make a difference in someone’s life!

We also offer ‘Attachment Awareness’ training in schools  – contact us if you would like any information on this or any other training.

Peer Mediation has been around for many years and with more schools now using a restorative approach, peer mediators are becoming increasingly popular. Peer Mediation is a voluntary process, whereby trained mediators work in pairs to help resolve the minor conflicts of their peers.

Mediation uses a restorative approach, which means the pupils find out what happened, the thoughts and feelings behind the behaviour and what both parties feel is needed to put things right. For schools that already use a restorative approach, where behaviour management is underpinned by restorative values, this service will result in a fully restorative ethos across the school. For other schools, it is important that it is compatible with the ethos of the school and that staff take on board the Peer Mediation service and are not reticent about having pupils resolve their own low-level conflicts. It is not about removing power and control from staff, it’s about believing in the children and their ability to resolve their own conflicts when empowered to do so – it’s amazing just how capable young children can be.

Pupils can choose to go to Peer Mediators rather than school staff. This frees up staff time, allowing them to focus on other priorities, whilst also enabling children to learn how to resolve their own conflicts. Whilst the impact is not easy to measure, what we do see is a decrease in incidents and happier children. Teaching staff regularly tell us that they are no longer having so many issues coming back into the classroom after lunch-break, and children are coming back ready to learn.

Why is it important?

Conflict is a normal part of life and children often have to resolve their own conflicts. However, sometimes they will need help to do this, and, if given a choice, often prefer their conflicts to be resolved by a peer rather than a staff member. They feel like their peers will understand them better and feel less likely to get into trouble, as the focus is on resolving the issue and moving on, rather than what they have done.

Becoming a Peer Mediator gives pupils opportunities to learn vital communication and life skills, which are important throughout school and into adulthood. Giving pupils this responsibility not only empowers them, but also builds their self-esteem. By going through mediation, the children learn the skills they need to resolve their own conflicts in the future. They take ownership of the problem and learn that they have a responsibility to make things right.

What does the training entail?

Our training in schools is run over four sessions. We teach the pupils listening skills, understanding and managing anger, as well as conflict resolution. We normally train Year 5 and 6 pupils which ensures there is adequate cover when year groups are out of school. The Year 6 pupils will be the experienced ‘Senior Peer Mediators’ who support and mentor the Year 5’s. We leave each of the children with a handbook and prompt card – useful resources for them to refer to in the future.

We work closely with the schools to help them prepare for the implementation and review the process afterwards. Several issues need consideration before implementation, such as how this fits into the school’s behaviour and anti-bullying policies and who coordinates it. Selecting a reliable and enthusiastic Peer Mediator Coordinator is essential for the service to work well. They will oversee the mediators, meeting with them regularly, so any problems or specific incidents can be discussed.

We have had very positive feedback from pupils we have trained, some of whom helped us make a short film which you can find here: