According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs[2], we all have the need to belong. This is particularly salient for young people. When this basic human need isn’t met in positive environments, like home or school, young people will seek it elsewhere – often finding it in gangs.

Studies have shown that young people often join gangs not primarily to offend, but to belong. Gangs offer identity, protection, and a sense of family that may be missing in other parts of their lives. A 2019 University of Birmingham study[3] described gang membership as “a site of belonging” that gives young people feelings of respect, worth, and pride.

Restorative Approaches provide a healthier, safer alternative. By building inclusive school cultures where every voice matters and everyone feels valued, RA creates a sense of belonging that prevents the pull towards gang membership and, ultimately, violence.  According to The All Party Parliamentary Group for Knife Crime [4], “Schools have a vital role to play in the effort to prevent and tackle serious youth violence.”

Furthermore, restorative practices give young people a chance to truly understand the impact of their actions on others – those directly involved, as well as the wider community. Instead of punishment that alienates, they experience connection through conversations that highlight real human consequences. When a young person hears directly from the person they’ve harmed how their actions have made them feel, empathy is awakened. This deeper understanding can shift attitudes in a way that sanctions never will.

Knife crime isn’t solved by confiscating blades or making them more difficult to come by (after all, where there’s a will, there’s a way!). It’s solved by reducing the will and addressing trauma, disconnection, and lack of emotional regulation. Restorative Approaches do just that: they help young people build empathy, foster accountability, understand and regulate their emotions, and anchor themselves in a community that values them.

Punitive Responses Vs Restorative Connection

Punitive responses to knife crime often focus on exclusion or legal penalties. While they may address immediate safety, they can intensify feelings of isolation, resentment, and disconnection and thus strengthen the very gang affiliations that contribute to violence. In fact, evidence shows that exclusion and isolation can strengthen a young person’s identification with gangs, pushing them towards groups that promise protection and belonging, especially when they already feel rejected by authority or school. Research in BMC Public Health (2020)[5] found that strong parental attachment, school engagement and supportive relationships act as protective factors against weapon-carrying. In contrast, disconnection and exclusion increase the risk and can drive young people towards groups that fill that emotional void.

RA approaches the problem differently: harm is acknowledged, relationships are repaired where possible, and accountability is built through understanding rather than fear.

A Case in Point

For instance, consider a scenario where a young person has threatened another student with a knife. In a purely punitive system, the focus would be on exclusion or legal consequences, which might increase alienation and resentment. In a restorative process, the young person (the ‘harmer’) would sit in a safe, facilitated meeting with the person they harmed (‘harmee’). They would hear firsthand about the fear and trauma caused, and they would have the opportunity to explain their own feelings, fears or pressures that led to the behaviour. Together, the group would explore what could be done to repair trust and ensure safety, as well as how they might do things differently next time. Such a conversation does not excuse the behaviour, but it transforms the experience into accountability, empathy building, and an opportunity for change.

Prevention Rather than Cure

Prevention is always the best option and, rather than simply addressing the situation once a knife has been used (or threatened), RA goes to work before it reaches that point; it seeks to prevent young people from picking up knives in the first place. Children are, by nature, egocentric and therefore rarely think about the impact of their actions on others. Traditional punitive approaches to discipline intensify this by focusing all the attention on the harmer. Restorative conversations, however, bring the harmee into the mix and gives them an opportunity to be heard.  By always defaulting to a restorative conversation, instead of more punitive responses, children and  young people learn to understand the impact of their actions on others; they become less egocentric and more empathetic and, consequently, less likely to act impulsively, or, indeed, have it within them to pick up a knife as a weapon. Furthermore, giving the harmee the opportunity to be heard helps them feel valued too and helps them to gain an understanding as to why the behaviour happened in the first place, as well as receive reassurance that it won’t happen again. All the things that don’t happen in traditional punitive systems.

Discussing their feelings (at the time and now) helps young people to connect their feelings with their behaviour and allows them to understand how their feelings impact their behaviour, thus increasing their emotional literacy and ability to regulate their emotions. Again, this reduces the likelihood of them acting impulsively but also adds another protective factor which, in turn, increases their resilience[6].

The Science of Connection

The efficacy of the restorative approach is backed by neuroscience. The human brain is wired for connection. When children experience safe, empathetic relationships, their brains develop the pathways needed for emotional regulation and social understanding [7]. In contrast, punitive environments often create stress and fear – states that shut down the very parts of the brain needed for reflection and growth.

Neuroscience also aligns with social research: belonging isn’t just an emotional luxury – it’s a biological necessity. When young people feel safely connected, their brains release oxytocin and activate regions linked to empathy and regulation. When they feel excluded or threatened, stress responses dominate, reinforcing defensive or impulsive behaviours such as knife-carrying or aggression. Restorative conversations rebuild those neural pathways of safety and trust; literally rewiring the brain for empathy and connection.

In an era where digital communication is overtaking face-to-face interaction, helping children develop their “social brain” has never been more important. Restorative conversations, with their focus on open, respectful dialogue, offer a simple yet powerful way to do this.

Building Belonging as Prevention

Building belonging is, therefore, not a soft alternative to enforcement; it’s a proven form of prevention. While knife crime and gang involvement are often linked, national data shows that only around 5% of knife crime with injury in London was gang-related[8], highlighting that the underlying issue is broader: disconnection. By focusing on connection, through restorative practice, strong school relationships, and community inclusion, we address the root cause, not just the symptom.

What’s Next?

Community leaders, educators, and policymakers must look beyond punitive approaches. By investing in restorative practices, we not only reduce violence and gang membership, increase empathy and responsibility but also give young people the sense of belonging and resilience they need.

Behaviour Matters has been helping schools implement Restorative Approaches, including training children as Peer Mediators, for over 12 years. If you’d like to learn more about how it might benefit your school, youth club or youth centre, I’d love to chat. Please give me a call on 07432033569 or drop me an email at leanneguillen@behaviourmatters.org.uk

REFERENCES:

[1] McVie, S. (2010). Gang membership and knife carrying: Findings from the Edinburgh Study of Youth Transitions and Crime. Scottish Centre for Crime and Justice Research

[2] Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370–396.

[3] Hallsworth, S. & Young, T. (2019). Gang Talk and Gang Research: A Critique. Crime, Media, Culture, 15(1), 151–168

[4] All-Party Parliamentary Group (APPG) on Knife Crime. (2019). Back to School? Breaking the link between school exclusions and knife crime. The Ben Kinsella Trust.

[5] Ward, J., Tinkler, S., & Simkiss, D. (2020). Protective and risk factors for youth violence and weapon carrying among adolescents: A systematic review. BMC Public Health, 20(1), 145

[6]  Daniel, S.K., Abdel-Baki, R. & Hall, G.B. The Protective Effect of Emotion Regulation on Child and Adolescent Wellbeing. J Child Fam Stud 29, 2010–2027 (2020).

[7] Cozolino, L. (2014). The Neuroscience of Human Relationships: Attachment and the Developing Social Brain. W. W. Norton & Co.  and Decety, J., & Cowell, J. M. (2015). Empathy, Justice, and Moral Behavior. AJOB Neuroscience, 6(3), 3–14 and Carter, C. S. (2014). Oxytocin pathways and the evolution of human behavior. Annual Review of Psychology, 65, 17–39.

[8] Mayor’s Office for Policing and Crime (MOPAC). (2020). Knife Crime Strategy: Data Summary

Durlak, J. A., et al. (2011). The Impact of Enhancing Students’ Social and Emotional Learning: A Meta-Analysis of School-Based Universal Interventions. Child Development, 82(1), 405–432

The Restorative Approach as a Whole School Ethos

The Restorative Approach is often seen simply as a way to manage conflict or misbehaviour in schools but is in fact far more than that. When truly embraced, it becomes a way of being in a school, where the whole school ethos is centred around relationships, reparation and responsibility. This builds connection, community, and provides children with the protective factors they so desperately need. Schools are in a unique and powerful position to help children develop the resilience necessary to survive, and thrive, during times of adversity.

A true Restorative Approach is not a tool to pick up when things go wrong. It is part of the everyday interactions within a school. It’s how staff talk and listen to students, how students talk to each other, and how the whole school community responds when harm occurs. This doesn’t mean there are no boundaries or consequences. But it does mean those consequences are rooted in learning and relationships, not blame, shame or punishment.

As a result, a restorative school culture fosters a sense of belonging, one of the strongest buffers against mental ill-health{3}. It teaches that mistakes are opportunities to learn, that conflict can lead to growth, and that relationships matter. These protective factors build a foundation of resilience, helping children navigate not just school, but life itself.

From Punishment to Restoration

Traditional punitive approaches to discipline tend to focus on blame and punishment: who did wrong and how they should be sanctioned. While this may bring short-term compliance, it rarely creates meaningful and lasting change. Punishment often pushes children away, damages relationships, and fuels feelings of shame or rejection; precisely the factors that increase vulnerability to mental ill-health. Exclusion, detentions, and suspensions may stop immediate misbehaviour, but they do little to teach the skills needed to repair harm or navigate relationships, nor do they help children to see the impact of their actions on others, take responsibility for their actions or develop empathy. In fact, they do the opposite; they push away and alienate those children who particularly need to belong.

Restorative conversations encourage young people to explore how their actions affect others, and to be heard themselves. This fosters emotional literacy and empathy – skills proven to protect against poor mental health (in fact, EQ – Emotional Quotient – is a better predictor of success in later life than IQ – Intelligence Quotient{4}). Furthermore, when children feel heard, valued, and connected to their community, their resilience grows. Instead of being excluded or shamed, they learn to reflect, repair, and restore.

Back to the Roots of ‘Discipline’

After all, the word discipline originally comes from the Latin disciplina, meaning “to teach or instruct” and “to learn”. Discipline was intended to guide and educate, not punish. Over time, however, the term has become almost synonymous with punishment – a shift that has contributed to systems where children are punished rather than guided. RA restores discipline to its original meaning. Instead of asking, “Who is to blame?” it asks, “What happened, who was affected, and what can we do to make things right?” Instead of punishment, RA emphasises learning, reflection, and relationship-building. Restorative conversations give both the harmer and the harmee the opportunity to be heard in a non-judgemental, supportive and safe space. This not only builds and repairs relationships, but helps everyone feel valued, respected and that they belong; these are the very protective factors that research shows help young people thrive.

A Case in Point

Imagine a student hits another student. In a punitive system, the likely response would be detention or exclusion. In other words, imposing a consequence but doing little to explore the reasons behind the behaviour or its impact on the other student. The harmer is given no opportunity to explain what drove their actions or to hear how those actions affected the other student. The harmee is left without a voice; unable to share how the incident made them feel or to receive reassurance that it will not happen again. Neither child’s needs are met, and no steps are taken to repair the harm, rebuild trust and move forward. In essence, the harm remains unresolved.

In contrast, a restorative approach brings the harmer and the harmee together, focusing on dialogue, accountability, and repair. In that safe, non-judgemental space, the harmer is able to reflect on their behaviour, express what they were thinking and feeling at the time, and listen to the perspective of the person they harmed. The harmee has the opportunity to speak openly about the impact, be heard, and receive acknowledgment of their feelings. Together they can work toward understanding and agree steps to make amends, creating the possibility of healing and preventing future harm.

Punitive methods focus on compliance rather than connection. They may stop undesired behaviour temporarily, but they fail to teach the deeper skills of emotional literacy, empathy, or self-regulation. Restorative Approaches address the root causes of misbehaviour, strengthen relationships, give children a sense of belonging and create protective factors that improve mental health and well-being.

What’s Next?

If you are an educator, parent, or policymaker, consider how your school culture responds to behaviour. Ask yourself: does it push children away, or bring them back into the fold? By embedding restorative practices, we can protect mental health, restore the true meaning of discipline, and create stronger, more resilient school communities and children better equipped to face the world.

Behaviour Matters has been helping schools implement Restorative Approaches, including training children as Peer Mediators, for over 12 years. If you’d like to learn more about how it might benefit your school, I’d love to chat. Please give me a call on 07432033569 or dop me an email at leanneguillen@behaviourmatters.org.uk

{1}  Children’s Commissioner for England on Children’s Mental Health Services, 2024

{2}  The Lancet Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 2025

{3}  Allen, KA., Greenwood, C.J., Berger, E. et al. Adolescent School Belonging and Mental Health Outcomes in Young Adulthood: Findings from a Multi-wave Prospective Cohort Study. School Mental Health 16, 149–160 (2024)

{4}  EQ vs. IQ Which is Most Important in the Success of Failure of a Student? Procedia – Social and Behavioural Sciences, 46, 5211-5213 (2012)

With 1 in 8 children and young people between the age of 5 and 16 suffering from a clinically diagnosable mental health issue (Mental Health of Children and Young People Survey, 2018) and with these figures on the rise, school staff are in a unique position to help address the problem by supporting the children in their care. School is the only environment that staff can control for children and young people.  It is, therefore, vital that school staff do what they can to provide stability within the school setting to increase Protective Factors and ensure pupils are best equipped to handle the adverse conditions they may be faced with outside school.

A Risk Factor can be defined as “a characteristic at the biological, psychological, family, community, or cultural level that is associated with a higher likelihood of problem outcomes.” (O’Connell, Boat, & Warner, 2009).  Risk Factors are things like: poverty, domestic violence, neglect, attachment issues. It is highly likely that there has been an increase in Risk Factors as a result of lockdown, during the Covid Pandemic (NSPCC Learning, 2020), making this issue all the more pertinent today.  Contrastingly, a Protective Factor is an aspect of “individual or environmental characteristics, conditions, or behaviours that reduce the effects of stressful life events; increase an individual’s ability to avoid risks or hazards; and promote social and emotional competence to thrive in all aspects of life now and in the future.” (Kipke,1999).  Protective Factors are things like: being able to self-regulate emotions, having a significant adult, having good self-esteem; all of which contribute to resilience in the face of adversity.  Given this, then the school environment and its relationships, including pupil-teacher, have a role to play in developing children and young people’s resilience. In order that a child is able to thrive and not just survive, any Risk Factors need to be balanced with Protective Factors.

When the main Risk Factor in a pupil’s life is an attachment issue or ‘lack of Significant Adult’, it’s possible that an adult at school could become their ‘Significant’ Adult.  If a good relationship and connection is built, not only can the staff member become the attachment figure for the pupil, but, in so doing, they can also help to increase the pupil’s self-esteem and self-worth.

SCHOOL STAFF AS SIGNIFICANT ADULT

Some of the problems associated with attachment issues (see our blog on Understanding Attachment and Developmental Trauma) can be counteracted with much care, attention and appropriate responses from another adult with whom the child may be in contact on a regular basis.  This could be a foster carer, social worker, adoptive parent, or one of their teachers (Murphey, et al 2013).

A particularly positive relationship between an adult and a child, where it can be seen to have a beneficial effect on the emotional, mental, academic and/or social growth of the young person can be called a ‘developmental relationship’ (Li & Julian, 2012).

PROTECTIVE FACTOR OF TEACHER-PUPIL RELATIONSHIPS

Bergin, C., & Bergin, D. (2009) investigated and presented the importance of every student having at least one significant adult with whom they have a caring relationship.  They report on studies by Hamre and Pianta (2001), where it has been shown that particular pupils (those typically with more Rik Factors outside of school) who had not formed a good relationship with their primary school teachers, found it more difficult to form a relationship with their secondary school teachers, as well as developing more behavioural problems when moving on to secondary school.  The primary school teachers reported that it was especially difficult to form a bond with certain pupils, who, upon investigation, were revealed to have insecure or disorganised attachment at home. It is even more important to invest the time to develop good relationships with these pupils. As Nicholas Ferroni insightfully states, “Students who are loved at home, come to school to learn, and students who aren’t, come to school to be loved.”

A child needs someone who knows them well, knows their strengths, respects them, can ‘check in’ with them regularly and act as an advocate, if necessary. Given that a teacher also, traditionally, has a role of authority, as well as nurturing (VanderStaay et al. 2009) it would appear natural for some sort of attachment to occur, as they are also a source of security and safety, both of which are fundamental to the initial principles of attachment.  If the relationship between teacher and pupil is also a positive and caring one, a strong, attachment-like relationship can form. This relationship can go some way towards filling the void in the pupil’s life where an attachment relationship was absent, and, in turn, help to build the emotional development of the child that may otherwise be stinted.

Having a positive relationship with the teacher, built on trust and mutual respect, also serves to challenge the pupil’s Unhealthy Inner Working Model (the way they view the world and themselves), enabling them to see that the world may not be such a hostile place after all, that adults are trustworthy and can be counted on and that they themselves are, indeed, worthy.  This can then have an impact on their other relationships, now and in the future.

In addition to boosting their self-esteem and sense of self-worth, feeling the support of the teacher can also boost the pupils’ motivation to learn.  The motivation to do well can be because of a desire to please the teacher, prove to the teacher that they are capable of succeeding and to show the teacher that the effort they put into planning and giving lessons was indeed effective.  They will feel encouraged to succeed both for themselves and for the teacher (Fry & Coe 1980).  Additionally, if the pupil likes the teacher and feels that the teacher likes them in return, they will be less likely to misbehave and act disruptively during classes, and therefore less likely to sabotage their own learning and the learning of others around them.

IMPLEMENTING THESE FINDINGS INTO TEACHING PRACTICE

There are many positive and effective ways that teachers can develop positive relationships with pupils and increase the possibility of becoming a Significant Adult in a pupil’s life.  First and foremost by showing the child that they care about and are interested in them.  This can be done in a variety of ways, starting out with a simple, personalised greeting whenever they see them. In their first lesson, the teacher can get pupils to fill in questionnaires about their interests, hobbies and hopes, and then use this information in future lessons, as well as in interactions with the pupil.  Including personal information in lessons, not only makes the lessons more personal and relevant to the pupils, but also shows them that the teacher has been paying attention to them and has made an effort to make them feel included and represented.  This gives them a sense of importance and worthiness. Having fun with pupils also helps to break down barriers and build relationships.

Small gestures can show the pupil you care and will be there for them. This is particularly important where young people have significant attachment issues and have not been able to count on adults to meet their needs. One way to do this is by swapping pens while they complete a task during the lesson, or at the end of the day and saying to them that in the next lesson, or the next day, you will swap back.  This lets the pupil know that you will be there for them later, or the next day, as and when expected; that you are consistent in their life. It also shows the pupil that you will keep your word and that you are reliable; again challenging their unhealthy IWM.  Showing that you have been thinking about the pupil, even when they are not there, is a very effective way of establishing a positive relationship with them. It lets the pupil know that they have been ‘kept in mind’, something that has been lacking for children with insecure attachments (Mikulincer, Shaver, & Pereg 2003).  For example, if they support a certain sports team, mentioning that you thought about the pupil at the weekend as you saw their team playing, will have a huge effect on their self-esteem and need for attention, as well as helping to build an attachment-like relationship (Bombèr 2011).

Schools should become ‘attachment aware’ so that they understand that the difficulties pupils are experiencing may manifest as behaviour issues. For example, pupils who demonstrate disruptive and ‘attention seeking’ behaviour, could actually be ‘attention needing’. It’s important that teachers understand this and know how to deal with the behaviour in a more appropriate way, rather than punishing, which only serves to create more problems by reinforcing the Unhealthy IWM. Children may need ‘time in’, rather than ‘time out’, bringing them closer, rather than pushing them away or excluding them.

There is an excellent Ted Talk – Every Child Deserves a Champion, by Rita Pierson – that is well worth watching. Rita kept peanut butter and crackers in her desk drawer because she had students who she knew would not have eaten a proper breakfast.  Whilst it’s obvious that being hungry can be detrimental to learning because of a lack of energy and the inability to concentate, the reasons for missing breakfast, which could be an unstable home-life, lack of food in the house, or lack of significant adult, are also significant Risk Factors.  Rita’s gesture not only provided essential sustenance for the day of learning ahead, but also showed kindness and concern to those pupils who needed it.

Mealtimes are often an important time for talking, sharing and relationship-building and this can be emulated within the school.  Secondary school teachers seldom eat lunch with their pupils in the canteen, yet this would be an ideal opportunity to build the teacher-pupil relationship.  This casual period, outside of lesson time, provides an opportunity to talk about life beyond school, taking the teacher-pupil relationship outside the classroom and showing the child that they are important to their teacher on a personal, as well as academic level.  This type of relationship enables the child to grow emotionally and socially.

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (2014) explored ways in which the theories of attachment and pupil-teacher relationships can be applied to teaching practice and implemented in schools.  Some of their suggestions included the school involving pupils in crucial decision-making, such as in the creation of School Policies, in order to make them feel important and valued. Giving them a voice shows them that the school staff not only care about their learning but also about them as an individual and that they respect their opinion. Another way could be structuring the school so that the pupils have the same teacher for the same subject, wherever feasible, throughout their school career as they move up through the school, in order to keep as much consistency in their lives as possible.

As mentioned, coping mechanisms, developed due to insecure attachment, often manifest themselves as behaviour issues in school.  These are frequently misinterpreted and subsequently dealt with by teachers in the wrong way, for example by punishing the child with detention or exclusion and further exacerbating the situation.  Being excluded from school isolates the child further, rather than encouraging them to talk about how they feel and to find out more about why they may have acted the way they did, thus further reducing their chances of forming positive relationships.  Using a Restorative Approach to behaviour management, not only enables the pupil to see and understand the consequences their actions have on other people, have their voice heard and feel valued, but also helps them to recognise the thoughts and feelings that might be driving their behaviour, which, in turn helps them to learn how to self-regulate (which, remember, is also a Protective Factor.  This exculpatory approach to behaviour management also provides another platform on which to build trust and respect between the teacher and all the pupils involved, thus strengthening relationships.

As demonstrated, having a Significant Adult is crucial in the development of a child’s socio-emotional well-being, which in turn is the foundation for academic success, as well as for their happiness and success in life beyond school. It must, therefore, be a high priority for all teachers everywhere.

Whilst Restorative Approaches have traditionally been seen in the criminal justice and youth offending systems, as well as more recently and, increasingly, in schools, it is also something that parents and carers can use very effectively at home.

Using a Restorative Approach is not just the latest ‘fad’ in education, its roots go back hundreds, if not thousands, of years to traditional, indigenous communities like Native Americans, Aboriginals and Maoris.  Who, whenever there was wrongdoing or conflict within their community, would come together peacefully, in a circle, to discuss it and agree reparation.

In contrast to traditional, punitive methods of discipline, where the focus is on who’s to blame and what the punishment should be, the restorative approach looks at what harm has been caused and how can it be repaired.  It is underpinned by the restorative values of empathy, accountability and putting things right for all involved.  Relationships are at the heart of the restorative approach.  We like to call it ‘The 4 Rs of a Restorative Approach’ – Relationships, Responsibility, Reparation, Resilience.

There are many reasons why using a restorative approach is especially important in today’s world, where we are facing a worrying increase in knife crime, less sense of belonging and increased mental health issues in young people.  Also, the increasing use of digital media is decreasing our face-to-face interaction, which means that children are spending less time developing social skills, such as empathy. Empathy is proven to impact children’s future success in all areas of life; relationships, career, emotional well-being.  Using a restorative approach helps to redress this balance. Not only does it seek to repair harm and restore relationships, but the process and questions involved, encourage children to take responsibility for their actions, realise the impact of their actions on other people, develop empathy, understand how their thoughts and feelings affect their behaviour, and learn vital problem-solving skills.  All of which increase children’s resilience and their ability to cope with whatever life throws their way.

All this is in stark contrast to sanction-based discipline, which usually does not affect any long-term change of behaviour, but rather can lead to relationship breakdown and resentment, or simply a change in behaviour to avoid punishment, not because of an understanding that it may be wrong or harmful. Nor does it provide an opportunity for children to learn from their mistakes.

So, how does it work?

Whilst restorative language can be used in our everyday life – talking about and sharing our thoughts and feelings in a supportive, non-judgemental way – let’s look here at using it in a targeted way, in response to an incident in a typical, family scenario:

Let’s say a fight has broken out between siblings because the younger sister has gone into her older sister’s room and taken something without asking.  With a more traditional approach, perhaps the younger sister would be made to give it back and told that she mustn’t do that again, she must respect her sister’s property and must ask before using something.  Or, perhaps, the older sister is told that she must be a bit more understanding of her younger sister and share her things.  Both of which might resolve the situation short-term, but is it meeting their needs? Is any learning taking place and what might happen next time?

We want any wrongdoing or ‘misbehaviour’ to be used as a learning opportunity. After all, the word ‘discipline’ comes from the root word ‘disciple’ which means to teach or guide, not punish!   And, using a restorative approach does exactly that.

Using a restorative approach, the parent would bring the two together and ask each in turn a series of questions, in a neutral, non-judgemental way, without assigning any blame.  They would ask the first one what happened, what they were thinking or feeling, both at the time and now, they’d then paraphrase what they’d heard, before asking the same questions to the second child.  (Paraphrasing is important because not only does it clarify your understanding of what’s happened and lets the child know you’ve listened to them, it also ensures that the other child hears their sibling’s side of the story – they might not be listening when their sibling says it, particularly if they are angry at them, but are likely to listen when you do.)  Hearing each other’s story and how they felt/are feeling is very powerful and helps children develop empathy and realise the impact of their actions oenn someone else.  It’s far more powerful than simply being told by an adult.  Next, you might ask them if anyone else has been affected and how (but this would depend on whether their behaviour has impacted others); this helps them to see the wider impact of their actions. Then, you would ask each in turn what needs to happen to repair the harm.  It’s important that they come up with the solutions and we don’t jump in here.  As adults, we often think we know what’s best and what needs to be done but we don’t really know what the children need to make things better and you might be surprised at what they come up with.  It’s important that you get agreement from both as to what needs to be done and so you might need to go back and forth, if at first they don’t agree on a solution.  You can do this simply by saying, ‘Can you think of anything else that you can both agree on?’  Once agreement on a way forward has been reached, finish off by asking ‘How can we make sure this doesn’t happen again?’ Again, allow them to come up with the ideas and value all ideas, until they come up with one that is doable.

Using a restorative approach gives the conflict back to those whose conflict it is to resolve it. It allows the ‘victim’ the chance to be heard and enables the ‘harmer’ to see how what they have done has affected someone else and empowers them to put things right.

By repairing the harm, the relationship is restored.  A restorative approach is a respectful, responsive way to manage wrong-doing, which creates a harmonious, happy home in which everyone feels valued and respected and where, importantly, they feel they belong.

For more information about how this approach is used in schools and the positive effect it can have, see our blogs ‘Building Responsible Children Using a Restorative Approach’ and ‘Embracing a Whole School Restorative Approach – the Positive Impact’.

Congratulations from all at Behaviour Matters who are proud to have been part of their journey to become a fully restorative school.  Over the last two years we have run a series of training sessions, training all staff in Restorative Approaches, Year 5 and 6 pupils as Peer Mediators, and parents in Restorative Parenting.

It was great to see their October Ofsted inspection resulting in a rating of GOOD with OUSTANDING features, with the following positive comments:

• “The school’s work to promote pupils’ personal development and welfare is outstanding.”
• “The behaviour of pupils is outstanding. The culture of high expectations, support and nurture that has been established by leaders has resulted in pupils’ exemplary conduct around the school.”
• “Pupils feel happy and safe at school. They feel that the rare incidents of bullying are dealt with very quickly and effectively by adults. They also appreciate the work of ‘peer mediators’, who help to resolve any issues during playtimes.”

Finally, it was very encouraging to see that the historically low rates of attendance across the school have improved, with Ofsted commenting: “Attendance has improved and is currently in line with the national average. Furthermore, the attendance of pupils who have had high levels of absence is quickly improving.”

Congratulations to all the staff for working consistently to do the best for their pupils, to the Peer Mediators who make the playground a happier place and to all the pupils, who together have made Istead Rise a truly cohesive school community.

Peer Mediation has been around for many years and with more schools now using a restorative approach, peer mediators are becoming increasingly popular. Peer Mediation is a voluntary process, whereby trained mediators work in pairs to help resolve the minor conflicts of their peers.

Mediation uses a restorative approach, which means the pupils find out what happened, the thoughts and feelings behind the behaviour and what both parties feel is needed to put things right. For schools that already use a restorative approach, where behaviour management is underpinned by restorative values, this service will result in a fully restorative ethos across the school. For other schools, it is important that it is compatible with the ethos of the school and that staff take on board the Peer Mediation service and are not reticent about having pupils resolve their own low-level conflicts. It is not about removing power and control from staff, it’s about believing in the children and their ability to resolve their own conflicts when empowered to do so – it’s amazing just how capable young children can be.

Pupils can choose to go to Peer Mediators rather than school staff. This frees up staff time, allowing them to focus on other priorities, whilst also enabling children to learn how to resolve their own conflicts. Whilst the impact is not easy to measure, what we do see is a decrease in incidents and happier children. Teaching staff regularly tell us that they are no longer having so many issues coming back into the classroom after lunch-break, and children are coming back ready to learn.

Why is it important?

Conflict is a normal part of life and children often have to resolve their own conflicts. However, sometimes they will need help to do this, and, if given a choice, often prefer their conflicts to be resolved by a peer rather than a staff member. They feel like their peers will understand them better and feel less likely to get into trouble, as the focus is on resolving the issue and moving on, rather than what they have done.

Becoming a Peer Mediator gives pupils opportunities to learn vital communication and life skills, which are important throughout school and into adulthood. Giving pupils this responsibility not only empowers them, but also builds their self-esteem. By going through mediation, the children learn the skills they need to resolve their own conflicts in the future. They take ownership of the problem and learn that they have a responsibility to make things right.

What does the training entail?

Our training in schools is run over four sessions. We teach the pupils listening skills, understanding and managing anger, as well as conflict resolution. We normally train Year 5 and 6 pupils which ensures there is adequate cover when year groups are out of school. The Year 6 pupils will be the experienced ‘Senior Peer Mediators’ who support and mentor the Year 5’s. We leave each of the children with a handbook and prompt card – useful resources for them to refer to in the future.

We work closely with the schools to help them prepare for the implementation and review the process afterwards. Several issues need consideration before implementation, such as how this fits into the school’s behaviour and anti-bullying policies and who coordinates it. Selecting a reliable and enthusiastic Peer Mediator Coordinator is essential for the service to work well. They will oversee the mediators, meeting with them regularly, so any problems or specific incidents can be discussed.

We have had very positive feedback from pupils we have trained, some of whom helped us make a short film which you can find here:

When we think of working restoratively, the first thing that may come to mind is Restorative Justice.  But there is so much more to this approach that we might not be aware of and its effects are truly remarkable.  More and more schools and other establishments are now using a restorative approach in the way they work.

HOW DID THIS COME ABOUT?

Restorative practices date back hundreds of years, when ancient indigenous cultures lived closely together with a strong sense of community and would meet to discuss any wrongdoing and agree reparation.  Approximately 25 years ago, Restorative Justice and Victim Offender mediation were introduced into the criminal justice system, when it became apparent that all the support was given to the offender and the victim’s voice was often not heard.  This needed to change so that the victim was an integral part of the process and the needs of the victim as well as the offender were met.   The positive results of these methods then led to a number of establishments implementing a restorative approach to manage behaviour.  This has now evolved into an ethos which, when fully embraced, underpins the way staff work and relate to others, not just to improve discipline, but to encourage a holistic approach to behaviour.

HOW DOES IT WORK?

Restorative language can be used in everyday life by talking about thoughts and feelings in an open, non-judgemental way.  When misbehaviour occurs, a more targeted restorative approach can be used to work with those involved to identify the harm that has been done. The focus is on repairing the relationship, rather than assigning blame or punishment.

This involves a facilitator (school staff or parent) bringing together the victim and offender and asking a series of questions following set themes. They would ask what happened; what those involved were thinking or feeling at the time and now; who else was affected; and what needs to happen to repair the harm.  This enables the person who has been harmed to tell their story and describe how the incident has affected them, as well as allowing the person who has done the harm to be able to explain what happened and hear how their actions affected someone else.  This is very powerful and helps children to develop empathy and self-reflection.

This approach differs to the more punitive, sanction-based discipline system, where parents or teachers want to know who did it, who is to blame and what punishment is needed.  The restorative approach puts relationships at its heart and focuses on repairing the harm done to people and relationships when things go wrong.

WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS?

In a world where screen time is increasingly replacing face-to-face contact, communication with others is often forsaken.  Using a restorative approach helps children to develop their social brain, which is vital when relating to others, because how a child experiences relationships in childhood can affect their relationships in later life.

Positive experiences help to build pathways in a child’s brain, enabling them to develop emotional literacy.  This allows them to learn about empathy, relate to others and also self-regulate their feelings.  In fact, research shows that emotional literacy may also lead to children having more successful lives.

On the other hand, sanction-based discipline often has short-lived results, does not change behaviour long-term and can eventually lead to the breakdown of relationships.  Children quickly learn to avoid punishment and do not learn to self-regulate.   A restorative approach not only restores and strengthens relationships between everyone involved, but it also teaches empathy, responsibility and accountability.  It has been seen to have remarkable effects in schools and also helps to develop skills we want to see in all young people.

We are glad to see that more and more schools are using this approach and we are excited to be training in a number of different London schools this term.

Training Sessions for School Staff/Pupils

• Attachment Awareness
• Restorative Approach, Introduction and Overview
• Restorative Approach, Follow-on Session
• Positive Behaviour Management
• Managing Behaviour in the Playground
• Peer Mediation Course – 4 week course for pupils
• Building Self-Esteem and Recognising Emotions – 4 week course for pupils
• Empowering Girls – 4 week self-esteem course for pupils

In order to achieve a whole school restorative ethos, we recommend training the pupils in peer mediation, alongside the staff restorative training.

We also offer a range of parenting sessions to help parents manage their children’s behaviour, as well as assist their children’s learning.