Whilst Restorative Approaches have traditionally been seen in the criminal justice and youth offending systems, as well as more recently and, increasingly, in schools, it is also something that parents and carers can use very effectively at home.

Using a Restorative Approach is not just the latest ‘fad’ in education, its roots go back hundreds, if not thousands, of years to traditional, indigenous communities like Native Americans, Aboriginals and Maoris.  Who, whenever there was wrongdoing or conflict within their community, would come together peacefully, in a circle, to discuss it and agree reparation.

In contrast to traditional, punitive methods of discipline, where the focus is on who’s to blame and what the punishment should be, the restorative approach looks at what harm has been caused and how can it be repaired.  It is underpinned by the restorative values of empathy, accountability and putting things right for all involved.  Relationships are at the heart of the restorative approach.  We like to call it ‘The 4 Rs of a Restorative Approach’ – Relationships, Responsibility, Reparation, Resilience.

There are many reasons why using a restorative approach is especially important in today’s world, where we are facing a worrying increase in knife crime, less sense of belonging and increased mental health issues in young people.  Also, the increasing use of digital media is decreasing our face-to-face interaction, which means that children are spending less time developing social skills, such as empathy. Empathy is proven to impact children’s future success in all areas of life; relationships, career, emotional well-being.  Using a restorative approach helps to redress this balance. Not only does it seek to repair harm and restore relationships, but the process and questions involved, encourage children to take responsibility for their actions, realise the impact of their actions on other people, develop empathy, understand how their thoughts and feelings affect their behaviour, and learn vital problem-solving skills.  All of which increase children’s resilience and their ability to cope with whatever life throws their way.

All this is in stark contrast to sanction-based discipline, which usually does not affect any long-term change of behaviour, but rather can lead to relationship breakdown and resentment, or simply a change in behaviour to avoid punishment, not because of an understanding that it may be wrong or harmful. Nor does it provide an opportunity for children to learn from their mistakes.

So, how does it work?

Whilst restorative language can be used in our everyday life – talking about and sharing our thoughts and feelings in a supportive, non-judgemental way – let’s look here at using it in a targeted way, in response to an incident in a typical, family scenario:

Let’s say a fight has broken out between siblings because the younger sister has gone into her older sister’s room and taken something without asking.  With a more traditional approach, perhaps the younger sister would be made to give it back and told that she mustn’t do that again, she must respect her sister’s property and must ask before using something.  Or, perhaps, the older sister is told that she must be a bit more understanding of her younger sister and share her things.  Both of which might resolve the situation short-term, but is it meeting their needs? Is any learning taking place and what might happen next time?

We want any wrongdoing or ‘misbehaviour’ to be used as a learning opportunity. After all, the word ‘discipline’ comes from the root word ‘disciple’ which means to teach or guide, not punish!   And, using a restorative approach does exactly that.

Using a restorative approach, the parent would bring the two together and ask each in turn a series of questions, in a neutral, non-judgemental way, without assigning any blame.  They would ask the first one what happened, what they were thinking or feeling, both at the time and now, they’d then paraphrase what they’d heard, before asking the same questions to the second child.  (Paraphrasing is important because not only does it clarify your understanding of what’s happened and lets the child know you’ve listened to them, it also ensures that the other child hears their sibling’s side of the story – they might not be listening when their sibling says it, particularly if they are angry at them, but are likely to listen when you do.)  Hearing each other’s story and how they felt/are feeling is very powerful and helps children develop empathy and realise the impact of their actions oenn someone else.  It’s far more powerful than simply being told by an adult.  Next, you might ask them if anyone else has been affected and how (but this would depend on whether their behaviour has impacted others); this helps them to see the wider impact of their actions. Then, you would ask each in turn what needs to happen to repair the harm.  It’s important that they come up with the solutions and we don’t jump in here.  As adults, we often think we know what’s best and what needs to be done but we don’t really know what the children need to make things better and you might be surprised at what they come up with.  It’s important that you get agreement from both as to what needs to be done and so you might need to go back and forth, if at first they don’t agree on a solution.  You can do this simply by saying, ‘Can you think of anything else that you can both agree on?’  Once agreement on a way forward has been reached, finish off by asking ‘How can we make sure this doesn’t happen again?’ Again, allow them to come up with the ideas and value all ideas, until they come up with one that is doable.

Using a restorative approach gives the conflict back to those whose conflict it is to resolve it. It allows the ‘victim’ the chance to be heard and enables the ‘harmer’ to see how what they have done has affected someone else and empowers them to put things right.

By repairing the harm, the relationship is restored.  A restorative approach is a respectful, responsive way to manage wrong-doing, which creates a harmonious, happy home in which everyone feels valued and respected and where, importantly, they feel they belong.

For more information about how this approach is used in schools and the positive effect it can have, see our blogs ‘Building Responsible Children Using a Restorative Approach’ and ‘Embracing a Whole School Restorative Approach – the Positive Impact’.

Sometimes, children are not able to manage their ‘big emotions’, resulting in a meltdown or explosion either in the classroom or at home, which can then lead to further distress caused by sanctions or other negative consequences.  Often, these sanctions do not teach the child coping strategies and just make the situation worse. One possible reason for this disruptive behaviour is poor self-regulation, so it can be helpful to look at what might be going on and what we can do to help.

What is self-regulation?

Self-regulation is the ability to understand and manage your emotions and behaviour in response to things happening around you. It helps you to control your impulses (to make better decisions), to not over-react when upset or excited, and to be able to calm down after an incident, should one occur.

Self-regulation is initially learned through co-regulation. Co-regulation occurs between a baby/child and a warm, responsive caregiver, where the caregiver meets the child’s physical and emotional needs and soothes/calms the child when they are experiencing ‘big emotions’. This, in turn, builds the neural architecture which is necessary for the child to learn to self-regulate; to feel secure and manage their own emotions.

Self-regulation can also be taught, but only once co-regulation has taken place. It is important that teachers and parents work together to find the most effective strategies, so children are able to manage the ‘big emotions’ and challenges they may face, as well as follow rules and understand limits.

See our blog: ‘Recognising Toxic Stress and Nurturing the Child Within’, to learn more about how trauma in childhood can result in toxic stress, which can affect emotional regulation.

Why is self-regulation important?

Managing our feelings and emotions is vital, as our ability to do so can affect our lives in so many ways. Not only can it affect our physical, emotional and social wellbeing but also our academic achievement; research shows that young children with poor self-regulation skills tend to make less academic progress (McClelland et al., 2007).

Self-regulation can affect physical wellbeing by boosting healthy brain development, as well as overall better health outcomes, such as reduced incidents of heart disease, obesity and drug dependency.

Emotionally, self-regulation helps nurture a more positive sense of self, as well as the ability to cope better with stress, which is particularly important given the increasing levels of mental health issues in children.

Socially, it is beneficial for social skills that affect friendships and getting along with others, and can affect the teacher-pupil relationship.

All this can lead to more success at school and throughout life.

Why do some children struggle to self-regulate?

There are many reasons why some children find it harder to self-regulate than others, including:

• Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) in early life, such as being adopted or looked after. ACEs may include prolonged stressful events, poverty, or other traumatic experiences. Co-regulation is particularly important for these children.
• Children who have additional needs, e.g. social communication difficulties, ADHD or sensory processing difficulties.
• Temperament – some children are more reactive than others.
• Physical needs not being met, e.g. hungry or tired.

It is important to note that poor self-regulation can be displayed through externalising (shouting and screaming) or internalising behaviours (being withdrawn).  Be mindful of the fact that internal behaviours are not always obvious, as they are directed inward.

What can we do to help?

Fortunately, self-regulation is something that can be learned with help and support from caregivers, so whether you are a teacher or a parent, you can play a very important role in helping children learn to self-regulate. Children do not learn to self-regulate on their own, and at first their behaviour is driven by impulses, as we see in toddler tantrums!  We need to find teachable moments to help children learn to self-regulate by using co-regulation and skills instruction, as well as practice (and plenty of praise when they try to manage their feelings).

Early childhood is when our brains experience huge growth, especially in the frontal cortex (the area most closely associated with self-regulation), so this is an important time to start learning self-regulation.  Research shows us that teaching self-regulation skills to preschool children improved their school readiness (Duncan et al., 2017). However, because our brains also experience major change during adolescence, children of any age will benefit from self-regulation interventions.

As you might expect, studies have shown that younger children are taught self-regulation mainly through co-regulation, but this is less so for older children, who tend to be taught by direct skills instruction. However, neuroscience tells us that even older children respond to co-regulation and may even need it in order to learn to self-regulate.

Strategies

 Modelling

It is important for adults to regulate their own emotions, before addressing their child’s.  If we are stressed as we go to help a child, we will not be as effective.  Even if emotions are rising inside, it is important to present a calm front to the child.  Children are perceptive observers of adults and will be learning from how we manage our own emotions. So, start off with modelling self-control.

Co-regulate

Co-regulate by providing a warm, responsive relationship with the child/young person, which will in turn, teach them skills to self-regulate. To co-regulate effectively, you need to get alongside the child/young person in their time of distress, reassure them and acknowledge their feelings, using a soothing voice and calm manner.  It’s important to focus on the emotion and not on the behaviour (i.e. the anger rather than the swearing).

Use empathy

Use empathy to acknowledge a child’s feelings. Don’t dismiss feelings – they are so important!

Talk about emotions

Find opportunities to talk about the range of emotions we all experience – how we all experience different feelings, it’s normal and it’s how we manage them that’s important.  Use story books, songs or games to make it fun.

Games

There are a number of games to help children learn self-regulation skills which involve waiting and turn-taking and provide a fun way of teaching impulse-control:

• Red Light – Green Light. The children run around freely – when ‘Red light’ is called out, they freeze – when ‘Green light’ is called out, they run.  Swap it round so they have to go against their impulses.
• Musical Statues – when the music stops, they must freeze. Also in reverse.
• Follow my Clap – clap a rhythm and get the children to copy it.
• Body Part Mix-up – get children to touch a series of body parts i.e. head, toes, knees. Then replace one of the body parts, so when you say ‘toes’ they must touch their ears.  This gets them not to just act instinctively.

You may want to use a timer and extend the time you play slowly.

Take a Break

Regular breaks in the learning – for those children who find it difficult to focus for long periods of time – to stretch or play a quick game such as ‘Shake Your Sillies Out’. 2-3 minutes spent doing this can help refocus and relax.

Mindfulness or Meditation

If you sense your child getting stressed, then try to engage them in a quiet activity.  Mindfulness and meditation are a good way for children to learn to pause and focus on breathing and calming down highly-charged emotions. There are some fabulous apps where you can find a range of meditations for children

Sensory specific adjustments

Consider any sensory issues specific to the child e.g. dimming the lights may help a child with visual sensitivity.

We hope this blog gives more insight into the importance of helping children develop self-regulation and provides you with some ideas to use in the classroom or at home.

Child development is a complex process and cannot be explained simply by one or two theories.  There is an interplay of experiences, relationships and genetic factors in everyone’s lives and that leads to the wonderful rich diversity we see in every community.

However, Attachment Theory is one which has been attracting more attention over the last few years, with more and more schools becoming ‘Attachment Aware’ and Attachment Parenting.  Attachment is a concept that has been around for many years, since the psychiatrist, John Bowlby, began his work in the late 1930’s, but what is it? Why is it important? And what do we need to consider when working with children and young people who have attachment difficulties?

WHAT IS ATTACHMENT?

Attachment is the strong, emotional, long-lasting bond which develops between a baby and their caregiver and has lifelong implications linked to feelings of security and safety.  Babies are born with a biological drive to seek protection from an adult figure – someone to look after both their physical and emotional needs.  When these needs are met, the infant ‘attaches’ to their caregiver and this attachment helps them to love and trust others, to understand the world around them, to regulate their own emotions and basically to feel ‘ok’. 

They have what we call a ‘secure attachment’ – a pattern of attachment resulting from thousands of daily interactions with their caregiver. With a secure attachment in place, the child is more likely to grow up to be a confident adult who can make healthy connections with others and feel safe in the world. However, when an infant’s physical and emotional needs are not met, the infant learns that they cannot rely on adults to meet their needs, so they must cope on their own, or develop other ways to get noticed. This all happens subconsciously; the child is unaware of it. These children are said to have an ‘insecure attachment’.

Three different patterns of insecure attachment have been identified.  Firstly, the ‘Insecure Avoidant’ style, is where the child has learnt to cope on their own, as their caregiver may have rejected or been insensitive to the child’s needs.  They are often not noticed in school, as they tend to be quiet and self-sufficient. ‘Insecure Ambivalent’ style is where the child’s focus is mainly on the teacher/caregiver, as they have experienced inconsistent and often unresponsive caregiving and so have the need to monitor relationships carefully. These children tend to remain close to the caregiver/teacher and need a lot of attention and reassurance. These two styles are actually survival strategies that the child has developed in the absence of consistent, reliable care. Finally, we have the ‘Insecure Disorganised’ style, where the child has been unable to develop a specific coping strategy, and which is the most complex pattern of insecure attachment. This normally results from a childhood of neglect or abuse where the carer, who is supposed to be the source of support, is also the person who frightens the child. These children may fluctuate between avoidant and ambivalent behaviours, find it difficult to calm themselves down and are often controlling and aggressive.

The Sutton Trust analysis of research (2014) states that 40% of children in the UK have an insecure attachment to their parents.

THE NEUROBIOLOGY OF ATTACHMENT

Attachment difficulties, sometimes known as Developmental Trauma, can lead to a number of consequences, which are becoming more apparent with advances in research methods. The wonders of neuroscience and the explosion of discoveries over the past 20 years has meant we now know much more about how attachment and trauma affects the development of our brain and how early experiences have lifelong implications on emotional and mental health. The human brain is an amazing organ with a complex network of over 100 billion neurons organised into many interconnected systems. In fact, by the time a child is three years old, the brain is about 80 percent of its adult size.  When a baby or child is exposed to constant stress or trauma, the brain releases an abundance of cortisol and over time, this leads to what is called ‘Toxic Stress’.  Brain development is affected and because of the activation of the stress hormone system, these children are living on constant high-alert – they are what we call ‘hyper-vigilant’.  There are many negative effects of this ‘toxic stress’, such as poor emotional regulation, poor working memory, poor immune system and an unhealthy sense of self, which can lead to other possible psychological issues.  However, our brain is a miraculous organ and we now know that it has the capacity to change – it has plasticity. So, with lots of help and the right support, these issues can be addressed and changed.

So what are some of the symptoms you may see and how can you help these children?  Once we understand what is going on for these children then we can respond in the best possible way.

SYMPTOMS OF ATTACHMENT DIFFICULTIES OR TRAUMA

There are numerous symptoms that could suggest attachment difficulties or trauma in children and these can be similar to other disorders or even normal child developmental stages, so getting a professional assessment is vital for diagnosis. Often these children can be labelled as ‘naughty’ due to the behaviours they exhibit, but remember, behaviour is a means of communication.  Like any other behaviour management strategy, it’s vital we look behind the behaviour to what is driving it. For these children, their behaviour is often driven by fear and anxiety, as well as a deep-rooted sense of shame.

The different patterns of insecure attachment manifest in a variety of different behaviours, however some of the most common symptoms we see are:

• Lack of empathy – these children cannot understand the feelings of others. Empathy is normally learned through early relationships by mirroring behaviours, so when early relationships are inconsistent or neglectful, this does not develop. This makes it difficult for children to understand when or why their actions may have upset or hurt other children.
• Hypervigilance – these children have their fight/flight mechanism constantly switched on, so they can be continually fidgeting and sensitive to noises and distraction around them consequently finding it difficult, or impossible, to concentrate on learning. They can also fly off the handle at the smallest issue, such as having their book knocked off the table.
• Difficult relationships – these children may feel that reliance on an adult is unsafe, so they show hostility towards a teacher or, alternatively are clingy to a teacher, where caregiving has been inconsistent. Others may have indiscriminate affection with adults as they believe this is the way to get their needs met.
• Lying, denying or blaming others – this can be a shame-based behaviour which happens as a self-defence when shame is overwhelming for the child.
• Unable to self-regulate their emotions and behaviour – learning to control anger and other emotions is also something that develops through the interaction and experience of ‘co-regulation’ with a caregiver, where this hasn’t happened children cannot learn to self-regulate.

HOW TO SUPPORT CHILDREN WITH ATTACHMENT DIFFICULTIES

So, what can be done? As previously mentioned, our brains can be changed throughout life – they have ‘plasticity’.  At home and in schools, there are a number of strategies you can use to help these children.  Here are just a few:

First, look to address the anxiety before the behaviour. It is important that the child feels safe and secure at school. Behaviourist strategies, such as praise or ‘Time-Out’, are often not successful for these children.  This is because the child feels unworthy of praise, and so it may also destroy any trust you have developed. Additionally, they have not developed cause-effect thinking, so cannot understand sanctions relating to inappropriate behaviour.  Addressing the child’s anxiety, can help their behaviour. Using ‘Time-In’ (moving the child closer to you) rather than ‘Time-Out’ can help relieve anxiety and build security.

Create a trusting relationship by having a Key Adult for the child, creating the secure adult-child relationship the child is lacking with their mother/carer.  Bomber (2011) believes teachers can become a surrogate secure base. This key adult can thus start to help the child regulate their emotions, which is vitally important as children who are able to regulate their own emotions and responses are more popular, have fewer behavioural problems, are more emotionally stable, have fewer infectious illnesses and achieve more academically in schools (Gottman et al 2007).  Relationship-based play is a great way to start building a trusting relationship.  This is where the focus of play is on the relationship not a task (such as a jigsaw) – it is about having fun together.

Differentiate the support for each child according to their needs.  This might mean relating to the emotional age of the child, which can often be a lot lower than their chronological age.  They have missed out on early experiences, so give them the chance now. An older child playing with younger children is ok – in fact they could see it as helping the younger ones,

Use praise but make sure you are specific about what you are praising and keep it quite low key – private praise often works better than public praise.  As Geddes states (2006), “Given the brain’s potential for regeneration and growth throughout life, frequent positive feedback can also help to develop and reinforce more positive responses”.

So, now we know the importance of relationships in a child’s early development, let’s do all we can to secure the best mental health for our children. You can make a difference in someone’s life!

We also offer ‘Attachment Awareness’ training in schools  – contact us if you would like any information on this or any other training.

Peer Mediation has been around for many years and with more schools now using a restorative approach, peer mediators are becoming increasingly popular. Peer Mediation is a voluntary process, whereby trained mediators work in pairs to help resolve the minor conflicts of their peers.

Mediation uses a restorative approach, which means the pupils find out what happened, the thoughts and feelings behind the behaviour and what both parties feel is needed to put things right. For schools that already use a restorative approach, where behaviour management is underpinned by restorative values, this service will result in a fully restorative ethos across the school. For other schools, it is important that it is compatible with the ethos of the school and that staff take on board the Peer Mediation service and are not reticent about having pupils resolve their own low-level conflicts. It is not about removing power and control from staff, it’s about believing in the children and their ability to resolve their own conflicts when empowered to do so – it’s amazing just how capable young children can be.

Pupils can choose to go to Peer Mediators rather than school staff. This frees up staff time, allowing them to focus on other priorities, whilst also enabling children to learn how to resolve their own conflicts. Whilst the impact is not easy to measure, what we do see is a decrease in incidents and happier children. Teaching staff regularly tell us that they are no longer having so many issues coming back into the classroom after lunch-break, and children are coming back ready to learn.

Why is it important?

Conflict is a normal part of life and children often have to resolve their own conflicts. However, sometimes they will need help to do this, and, if given a choice, often prefer their conflicts to be resolved by a peer rather than a staff member. They feel like their peers will understand them better and feel less likely to get into trouble, as the focus is on resolving the issue and moving on, rather than what they have done.

Becoming a Peer Mediator gives pupils opportunities to learn vital communication and life skills, which are important throughout school and into adulthood. Giving pupils this responsibility not only empowers them, but also builds their self-esteem. By going through mediation, the children learn the skills they need to resolve their own conflicts in the future. They take ownership of the problem and learn that they have a responsibility to make things right.

What does the training entail?

Our training in schools is run over four sessions. We teach the pupils listening skills, understanding and managing anger, as well as conflict resolution. We normally train Year 5 and 6 pupils which ensures there is adequate cover when year groups are out of school. The Year 6 pupils will be the experienced ‘Senior Peer Mediators’ who support and mentor the Year 5’s. We leave each of the children with a handbook and prompt card – useful resources for them to refer to in the future.

We work closely with the schools to help them prepare for the implementation and review the process afterwards. Several issues need consideration before implementation, such as how this fits into the school’s behaviour and anti-bullying policies and who coordinates it. Selecting a reliable and enthusiastic Peer Mediator Coordinator is essential for the service to work well. They will oversee the mediators, meeting with them regularly, so any problems or specific incidents can be discussed.

We have had very positive feedback from pupils we have trained, some of whom helped us make a short film which you can find here:

One of the arguments for not praising, is that children will become dependent on extrinsic rewards and will only do the behaviour for the praise.  Therefore, in the absence of praise, the children will no longer behave appropriately and any change in behaviour will be short-lived.

However, when given effectively (as described in our blog series) praise is a great encourager, which can result in long-term change as the children gradually begin to internalise the sense of accomplishment they feel when they’ve been praised.

ENCOURAGING SELF-PRAISE

For children to be motivated by intrinsic (internal) rewards, it is important to encourage them to self-praise. For example, “You must be really proud of the way you worked out that tricky maths problem.”  Or at home, “You handled that situation in the park really well; give yourself a pat on the back.”  Encouraging children to be proud of their accomplishments, motivates them to do things for their own sense of achievement, rather than for any extrinsic (external) rewards.  This means they will be better motivated to achieve in life.

MODELLING SELF-PRAISE

Children are keen observers of how we behave, therefore, modelling self-praise is a great way to encourage children to do it too.  We are all quick to self-criticise and you may think that self-praise means we are being big-headed or conceited.  However, self-praise recognises when we have done something well, or are proud of our achievements. When children hear us self-praise, it lets them know that it is okay for them to pat themselves on the back or feel proud when they’ve done well.  Hearing a teacher say “I worked hard to plan that lesson and I think it went really well.” or a parent say, “I did a great job of painting the hallway.” helps children learn how to self-evaluate and internalise motivation.

GROWTH MINDSET

Having a growth mindset is a more reliable predictor of success than IQ (Intelligence Quotient), but what is it? And, can it be developed?

What is it?

A Growth Mindset means that you believe that your abilities can be improved; that how good you are at something depends on how much effort you put into it. In other words, it is dependent on your own actions.  On the contrary, a Fixed Mindset is when you believe that you are either good at something or you aren’t; that the ability is inherent in your nature – in other words ’fixed’.

People with a Growth Mindset are more likely to keep trying in the face of adversity, or persevere when faced with a difficult problem.  It is, therefore, easy to see how having a Growth Mindset means you’re more likely to be successful in life.

How Can We Develop a Growth Mindset Using Praise?

We can develop a growth mindset in children by the way we praise them.

Praising the process and the child’s efforts, rather than the end result, is the most effective way that we can do this.  For example, at home, “Ali, you’ve practiced really hard; it’s great you can now ride your bicycle.” However, it’s important we link the praise to the end result, whether they improve or not. For example, at school “Irfan, you worked really hard on that maths problem, let’s think about what else you could try.”

Process praise can really make a difference to children’s beliefs and motivation, so go ahead and try it out!

AND FINALLY…

We hope you have enjoyed our series on how to use praise effectively and have found the information helpful. Praise is a quick and easy tool you can use, both at school and at home.  As we have shown, praise has many benefits including; increased motivation, building self-esteem, and it can also help to change those challenging behaviours that we all face from time to time with our children! Furthermore, it makes us feel better too by focusing on the positive!

COMBINING PRAISE WITH CRITICISM

Often, particularly when it has taken several attempts to get a child to do what we have asked, we can’t resist the opportunity to have a final ‘dig’ and so we combine praise with criticism, e.g. “Thank you for lining up, Billy. Maybe next time you can come the first time I ask!” And at home “Well done for tidying your room, Sophie. If you had done it sooner, it wouldn’t have taken you so long!”

Following praise with criticism negates the positive effects of praise, discourages the child from repeating the behaviour and leaves the child feeling deflated.  Are they being praised or criticised?

Next time, just say the praise and keep the extra dig to yourself!

NOT BEING SINCERE WITH PRAISE

Sometimes, because we are busy doing other things, our praise may lack enthusiasm and therefore appear insincere, losing its effectiveness.  As a teacher marking books during break, if a child comes up to you and says “Look at the swimming certificate I got at the weekend”, it is easy to just carry on marking and, without looking up say, “That’s great, well done!”  At home, if you are busy reading a letter and your child comes and says “Look at the picture I did at school today!” you might just carry on reading and say, “That’s lovely.” This kind of a response shows you’re not really interested and can leave a child feeling dejected and unworthy of your attention.  When giving praise, make sure you make it genuine; look at the child (and whatever they’re showing you, where appropriate), smile and be enthusiastic – in other words be interested.  If you really can’t stop what you’re doing at that moment, tell them.  Say something like “I just need to finish this but I really want to see the certificate/picture, so if you can wait just a minute/come back in five minutes, I’ll be able to look at it properly.”

SAVING PRAISE FOR PERFECTION

Often parents and teachers will say something like, “I save my praise for when they have done something really worth praising.” They believe that this encourages a child to strive for the best.  In fact, the opposite can be true.   People seldom reach perfection without many smaller accomplishments along the way. Our not noticing those smaller achievements may cause a child to give up and the opportunity to praise may never come.  For example, when a teacher waits for a child who struggles with their spellings to get full marks in their test, they may be waiting for ever. However, if they praise their improvement each week, the child will feel encouraged and be much more likely to be successful.

At home, when a child is learning how to make their own bed, they are unlikely to do a perfect job; praising their efforts is more likely to encourage them to keep doing it and eventually, they’ll get it right.

Praising the process of trying to achieve something, rather than the end result, encourages the child to keep trying.  It also helps develops a “Growth Mindset”, which we will talk about next time.

Often, when we have several children doing what we have asked and one child doing something else, we focus our attention on the child who is doing “the wrong thing” and try to encourage/nag him to do what he is supposed to be doing.

This goes against all the principles of the attention rule – remember you may be inadvertently encouraging that behaviour!  It also does not give the deserved attention to the children who ARE doing what you’ve asked and could result in them misbehaving too.

So, if you have a class full of children all lining up to go to assembly and one, Sam, out of line and messing with a display, instead of focussing your attention on Sam, praise those around him who are doing what you have asked: “Well done, Monifa, you’re lining up beautifully.” “Wow! Great lining up, Ryan.”  In the meantime, if you ignore Sam (look out for our blog on ignoring, coming soon) he is much more likely to line up than if you continue to shower him with attention for not doing!

The same principle applies at home: If you have asked three children to put away the toys and two of them are doing so but Alicia has decided not to, focus your attention on the desired behaviour. “Adnan, well done for putting away the toys!” “Thank you, Janelle, you’re doing a great job of tidying away the toys!”  Alicia will soon realise she is missing out on some positive attention and will slowly begin to put away the toys.  BUT, again, you need to be effectively ignoring Alicia’s non-compliant behaviour too.

Proximity praise is very powerful but we must consciously resist the urge to focus on the inappropriate behaviour.

EARSHOT PRAISE

Earshot Praise is great for all children to hear, but is particularly useful for those who may find praise hard to accept. This is when you praise the child to another person, so that the child overhears (without the child knowing you are doing it on purpose).

For example, in a classroom, a TA might say to a teacher (or vice-versa) “Jade did a fantastic job with her story writing this morning.” or “I am really pleased with the way Elijah shared at playtime.”

At home, you might be on the phone with grandma and say “Karina was really helpful to her sister this morning – I was so pleased.”  Or, when dad gets home, you could say “Bobbie did a great job of setting the table.”

This type of praise is also particularly useful when a child is struggling with a specific behaviour/task and it is becoming an issue. For example, if a child lacks confidence in reading, over-hearing a TA say, “Melissa read her new book really well.” will work wonders for her confidence. Similarly, at home, for a child who struggles to go to bed, over-hearing mum say “Joe was a star last night and went straight to bed and stayed in bed all night – he was amazing”.

Not only does earshot praise increase the likelihood of the behaviour being repeated, but it can also really boost a child’s self-esteem.

To make praise as effective as possible, it is important that you label it.

In other words, tell children exactly what it is you are praising them for.  Simply saying “Good Boy” or “Well Done” does not have the same impact as saying, “Well done for remembering to put your hand up.” Or, at home, “Well done for taking your plate out to the kitchen.”

When children hear exactly what it is they are being praised for, they are much more likely to remember the praise, remember what it was they did to earn the praise and do it again the next time!

REMEMBER TO USE THE CHILD’S NAME

Use the child’s name to make sure you have their attention and that they know you are talking to them (especially if there is more than one child present, such as in a whole class situation, or where siblings or playmates are around): “Jack, well done for putting your books away.” And at home: “Michael, I’m proud of you for helping your sister with her homework.”  You could also add a “Thank you” to let them know you appreciate it…. “Samuel, thank you for coming to the carpet when I asked you; well done.” “Emily, well done for setting the table, I really appreciate that.”

GIVING SURPRISE PRAISE

Praising children when they are not expecting it, rather than just in response to them complying with your requests, is also powerful.  For example, if a child at school is knuckling down to their work really well, you could say, “Matt, I’m really impressed with the way you are working; well done!” and at home, if a child is colouring quietly at the table, instead of quietly sneaking away to get on with something, you could say, “Frankie, you are colouring so well; that’s fantastic!”.  Receiving this surprise positive attention reminds children of the behaviour you want to see and motivates them to keep going.  It also means that you are giving attention for positive behaviour.  As a result, in school, children know that being on task results in attention and, at home, your child doesn’t have to resort to colouring on the walls to get your attention – a strategy that is sure to work! Remember, what you pay attention to is what you will get more of!

WHAT ABOUT THE MORE CHALLENGING CHILDREN?

Both teachers and parents have said, “But he/she is always so badly behaved, I can’t find anything to praise him/her for!”

For the more challenging children, or those where it is difficult to find the occasion to praise, it is especially important to look for opportunities to praise by ‘spotting the good’.  Even the most difficult children aren’t difficult 100% of the time and there must be times when they behave appropriately, so it is crucial that when they do, you are quick to notice and acknowledge their behaviour with praise: “Well done for sitting nicely in your seat, Amar.” And at home, “Sam, thank you for remembering to take your shoes off before you went upstairs.” Spotting the good and rewarding it with positive attention in the form of praise means they are much more likely to repeat the behaviour in the future.  It also helps boost their self-esteem, which can sometimes be very low in more challenging children, as well as building a positive relationship between you both.

COULD YOU BE REINFORCING NEGATIVE BEHAVIOUR?

Remember, you could also be inadvertently reinforcing their inappropriate behaviour by giving it your attention, albeit negative – remember the Attention Rule? Giving negative attention to children who exhibit challenging behaviour can create a negative cycle; they behave inappropriately and get your attention, which leads to more inappropriate behaviour to get more negative attention and so on, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of a “Challenging Child”. It is important that you break this cycle by spotting and reinforcing any good behaviour, as well as reducing your attention for negative behaviour.  This may be easier said than done, but well worth the effort in the long-term! (Remember to look out for our blog on Effective Ignoring, which will help.)

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN WHO FIND PRAISE DIFFICULT TO ACCEPT?

Some children, for a variety of reasons, may find praise difficult to accept.  They may have low self-esteem and feel they don’t deserve it; they could have social, emotional and mental health issues or attachment issues and feel unworthy or suspicious of the motives behind the praise.  At school, if you have children who don’t get praised at home, or indeed receive a lot of negative attention or criticism from parents or caregivers, they may begin to believe that they are no good and, again, feel undeserving.  Other children may feel a bit embarrassed by the praise.  This doesn’t mean that you should not praise these children. On the contrary, these children need praise even more.  However, you do need to be careful with how you go about it.  We like to call this the ’drip-drip effect’: Imagine you have a dried-up sponge and you turn the tap on it full blast, the water will come splashing off it.  If, however, you drip the water slowly onto it a little at a time, it will begin to absorb it. You can use more subtle forms of praise – a thumbs up, a pat on the shoulder, a smile – gradually the praise will begin to have an effect.  You will need to be patient and not take any rejection personally.

’Earshot Praise’, which we will talk about in our next blog, also works well in these situations.

We all need to be motivated to get things done and achieve our goals and children can be motivated by praise. However, we want the motivation to become intrinsic, so that their behaviour is not dependent on receiving praise.  You will see in our blog about Growth Mindset how self-praise, as well as process praise, is vital for building children’s self-motivation and capacity to persevere in the face of adversity.

WHAT IS THE ATTENTION RULE?

Children strive for attention – particularly from a significant adult like a parent/carer or teacher – and if they are not getting attention for doing the right thing, they will often resort to doing the wrong thing; especially if they’ve learned that it is a sure-fire wire to get attention, fast.

By paying attention to negative behaviours we are often inadvertently reinforcing them because, after all, what you give attention to is what you will get more of! (We call this ‘the Attention Rule’.) AND, negative attention is better than no attention.

HOW DOES IT WORK?

This principle is based on the Behaviourist Approach to behaviour, which states that behaviour is learned and can be modified by the response a given behaviour receives.  This learning process begins very early in life – a baby quickly learns that if he is hungry and cries he gets fed, if he has a dirty nappy and cries he gets changed, if he is cold and cries he gets wrapped in a blanket, or better still, cuddled!

Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. When babies in Romanian orphanages received no attention when they cried, they fell silent. There was no one around to nurture them, so the crying response was gradually extinguished.

So, we can change a child’s behaviour just by altering our response to it – this is known as behaviour modification.  Praise is a simple, yet powerful way that we can do this.

WHY IS PRAISE IMPORTANT?

Effective praise also helps to increase children’s self-esteem and boosts their confidence, as well as helps you to develop a positive relationship with them.

Furthermore, brain studies suggest that praise can influence the development of a child’s brain structure; both the grey matter in the area responsible for developing empathy, as well as the region of the cortex connected to the amygdala, which is responsible for emotional regulation.

By using praise, you can really make a difference in a child’s life.

Follow our series of blogs on praise to see how you – school staff or parents – can use praise most effectively to get the behaviour you want. We will provide you with examples of how best to do it, both in the classroom and at home, as well as things to avoid.  We would be keen to hear how you get on, so please leave us your comments!