With 1 in 8 children and young people between the age of 5 and 16 suffering from a clinically diagnosable mental health issue (Mental Health of Children and Young People Survey, 2018) and with these figures on the rise, school staff are in a unique position to help address the problem by supporting the children in their care. School is the only environment that staff can control for children and young people.  It is, therefore, vital that school staff do what they can to provide stability within the school setting to increase Protective Factors and ensure pupils are best equipped to handle the adverse conditions they may be faced with outside school.

A Risk Factor can be defined as “a characteristic at the biological, psychological, family, community, or cultural level that is associated with a higher likelihood of problem outcomes.” (O’Connell, Boat, & Warner, 2009).  Risk Factors are things like: poverty, domestic violence, neglect, attachment issues. It is highly likely that there has been an increase in Risk Factors as a result of lockdown, during the Covid Pandemic (NSPCC Learning, 2020), making this issue all the more pertinent today.  Contrastingly, a Protective Factor is an aspect of “individual or environmental characteristics, conditions, or behaviours that reduce the effects of stressful life events; increase an individual’s ability to avoid risks or hazards; and promote social and emotional competence to thrive in all aspects of life now and in the future.” (Kipke,1999).  Protective Factors are things like: being able to self-regulate emotions, having a significant adult, having good self-esteem; all of which contribute to resilience in the face of adversity.  Given this, then the school environment and its relationships, including pupil-teacher, have a role to play in developing children and young people’s resilience. In order that a child is able to thrive and not just survive, any Risk Factors need to be balanced with Protective Factors.

When the main Risk Factor in a pupil’s life is an attachment issue or ‘lack of Significant Adult’, it’s possible that an adult at school could become their ‘Significant’ Adult.  If a good relationship and connection is built, not only can the staff member become the attachment figure for the pupil, but, in so doing, they can also help to increase the pupil’s self-esteem and self-worth.

SCHOOL STAFF AS SIGNIFICANT ADULT

Some of the problems associated with attachment issues (see our blog on Understanding Attachment and Developmental Trauma) can be counteracted with much care, attention and appropriate responses from another adult with whom the child may be in contact on a regular basis.  This could be a foster carer, social worker, adoptive parent, or one of their teachers (Murphey, et al 2013).

A particularly positive relationship between an adult and a child, where it can be seen to have a beneficial effect on the emotional, mental, academic and/or social growth of the young person can be called a ‘developmental relationship’ (Li & Julian, 2012).

PROTECTIVE FACTOR OF TEACHER-PUPIL RELATIONSHIPS

Bergin, C., & Bergin, D. (2009) investigated and presented the importance of every student having at least one significant adult with whom they have a caring relationship.  They report on studies by Hamre and Pianta (2001), where it has been shown that particular pupils (those typically with more Rik Factors outside of school) who had not formed a good relationship with their primary school teachers, found it more difficult to form a relationship with their secondary school teachers, as well as developing more behavioural problems when moving on to secondary school.  The primary school teachers reported that it was especially difficult to form a bond with certain pupils, who, upon investigation, were revealed to have insecure or disorganised attachment at home. It is even more important to invest the time to develop good relationships with these pupils. As Nicholas Ferroni insightfully states, “Students who are loved at home, come to school to learn, and students who aren’t, come to school to be loved.”

A child needs someone who knows them well, knows their strengths, respects them, can ‘check in’ with them regularly and act as an advocate, if necessary. Given that a teacher also, traditionally, has a role of authority, as well as nurturing (VanderStaay et al. 2009) it would appear natural for some sort of attachment to occur, as they are also a source of security and safety, both of which are fundamental to the initial principles of attachment.  If the relationship between teacher and pupil is also a positive and caring one, a strong, attachment-like relationship can form. This relationship can go some way towards filling the void in the pupil’s life where an attachment relationship was absent, and, in turn, help to build the emotional development of the child that may otherwise be stinted.

Having a positive relationship with the teacher, built on trust and mutual respect, also serves to challenge the pupil’s Unhealthy Inner Working Model (the way they view the world and themselves), enabling them to see that the world may not be such a hostile place after all, that adults are trustworthy and can be counted on and that they themselves are, indeed, worthy.  This can then have an impact on their other relationships, now and in the future.

In addition to boosting their self-esteem and sense of self-worth, feeling the support of the teacher can also boost the pupils’ motivation to learn.  The motivation to do well can be because of a desire to please the teacher, prove to the teacher that they are capable of succeeding and to show the teacher that the effort they put into planning and giving lessons was indeed effective.  They will feel encouraged to succeed both for themselves and for the teacher (Fry & Coe 1980).  Additionally, if the pupil likes the teacher and feels that the teacher likes them in return, they will be less likely to misbehave and act disruptively during classes, and therefore less likely to sabotage their own learning and the learning of others around them.

IMPLEMENTING THESE FINDINGS INTO TEACHING PRACTICE

There are many positive and effective ways that teachers can develop positive relationships with pupils and increase the possibility of becoming a Significant Adult in a pupil’s life.  First and foremost by showing the child that they care about and are interested in them.  This can be done in a variety of ways, starting out with a simple, personalised greeting whenever they see them. In their first lesson, the teacher can get pupils to fill in questionnaires about their interests, hobbies and hopes, and then use this information in future lessons, as well as in interactions with the pupil.  Including personal information in lessons, not only makes the lessons more personal and relevant to the pupils, but also shows them that the teacher has been paying attention to them and has made an effort to make them feel included and represented.  This gives them a sense of importance and worthiness. Having fun with pupils also helps to break down barriers and build relationships.

Small gestures can show the pupil you care and will be there for them. This is particularly important where young people have significant attachment issues and have not been able to count on adults to meet their needs. One way to do this is by swapping pens while they complete a task during the lesson, or at the end of the day and saying to them that in the next lesson, or the next day, you will swap back.  This lets the pupil know that you will be there for them later, or the next day, as and when expected; that you are consistent in their life. It also shows the pupil that you will keep your word and that you are reliable; again challenging their unhealthy IWM.  Showing that you have been thinking about the pupil, even when they are not there, is a very effective way of establishing a positive relationship with them. It lets the pupil know that they have been ‘kept in mind’, something that has been lacking for children with insecure attachments (Mikulincer, Shaver, & Pereg 2003).  For example, if they support a certain sports team, mentioning that you thought about the pupil at the weekend as you saw their team playing, will have a huge effect on their self-esteem and need for attention, as well as helping to build an attachment-like relationship (Bombèr 2011).

Schools should become ‘attachment aware’ so that they understand that the difficulties pupils are experiencing may manifest as behaviour issues. For example, pupils who demonstrate disruptive and ‘attention seeking’ behaviour, could actually be ‘attention needing’. It’s important that teachers understand this and know how to deal with the behaviour in a more appropriate way, rather than punishing, which only serves to create more problems by reinforcing the Unhealthy IWM. Children may need ‘time in’, rather than ‘time out’, bringing them closer, rather than pushing them away or excluding them.

There is an excellent Ted Talk – Every Child Deserves a Champion, by Rita Pierson – that is well worth watching. Rita kept peanut butter and crackers in her desk drawer because she had students who she knew would not have eaten a proper breakfast.  Whilst it’s obvious that being hungry can be detrimental to learning because of a lack of energy and the inability to concentate, the reasons for missing breakfast, which could be an unstable home-life, lack of food in the house, or lack of significant adult, are also significant Risk Factors.  Rita’s gesture not only provided essential sustenance for the day of learning ahead, but also showed kindness and concern to those pupils who needed it.

Mealtimes are often an important time for talking, sharing and relationship-building and this can be emulated within the school.  Secondary school teachers seldom eat lunch with their pupils in the canteen, yet this would be an ideal opportunity to build the teacher-pupil relationship.  This casual period, outside of lesson time, provides an opportunity to talk about life beyond school, taking the teacher-pupil relationship outside the classroom and showing the child that they are important to their teacher on a personal, as well as academic level.  This type of relationship enables the child to grow emotionally and socially.

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (2014) explored ways in which the theories of attachment and pupil-teacher relationships can be applied to teaching practice and implemented in schools.  Some of their suggestions included the school involving pupils in crucial decision-making, such as in the creation of School Policies, in order to make them feel important and valued. Giving them a voice shows them that the school staff not only care about their learning but also about them as an individual and that they respect their opinion. Another way could be structuring the school so that the pupils have the same teacher for the same subject, wherever feasible, throughout their school career as they move up through the school, in order to keep as much consistency in their lives as possible.

As mentioned, coping mechanisms, developed due to insecure attachment, often manifest themselves as behaviour issues in school.  These are frequently misinterpreted and subsequently dealt with by teachers in the wrong way, for example by punishing the child with detention or exclusion and further exacerbating the situation.  Being excluded from school isolates the child further, rather than encouraging them to talk about how they feel and to find out more about why they may have acted the way they did, thus further reducing their chances of forming positive relationships.  Using a Restorative Approach to behaviour management, not only enables the pupil to see and understand the consequences their actions have on other people, have their voice heard and feel valued, but also helps them to recognise the thoughts and feelings that might be driving their behaviour, which, in turn helps them to learn how to self-regulate (which, remember, is also a Protective Factor.  This exculpatory approach to behaviour management also provides another platform on which to build trust and respect between the teacher and all the pupils involved, thus strengthening relationships.

As demonstrated, having a Significant Adult is crucial in the development of a child’s socio-emotional well-being, which in turn is the foundation for academic success, as well as for their happiness and success in life beyond school. It must, therefore, be a high priority for all teachers everywhere.

Sometimes, children are not able to manage their ‘big emotions’, resulting in a meltdown or explosion either in the classroom or at home, which can then lead to further distress caused by sanctions or other negative consequences.  Often, these sanctions do not teach the child coping strategies and just make the situation worse. One possible reason for this disruptive behaviour is poor self-regulation, so it can be helpful to look at what might be going on and what we can do to help.

What is self-regulation?

Self-regulation is the ability to understand and manage your emotions and behaviour in response to things happening around you. It helps you to control your impulses (to make better decisions), to not over-react when upset or excited, and to be able to calm down after an incident, should one occur.

Self-regulation is initially learned through co-regulation. Co-regulation occurs between a baby/child and a warm, responsive caregiver, where the caregiver meets the child’s physical and emotional needs and soothes/calms the child when they are experiencing ‘big emotions’. This, in turn, builds the neural architecture which is necessary for the child to learn to self-regulate; to feel secure and manage their own emotions.

Self-regulation can also be taught, but only once co-regulation has taken place. It is important that teachers and parents work together to find the most effective strategies, so children are able to manage the ‘big emotions’ and challenges they may face, as well as follow rules and understand limits.

See our blog: ‘Recognising Toxic Stress and Nurturing the Child Within’, to learn more about how trauma in childhood can result in toxic stress, which can affect emotional regulation.

Why is self-regulation important?

Managing our feelings and emotions is vital, as our ability to do so can affect our lives in so many ways. Not only can it affect our physical, emotional and social wellbeing but also our academic achievement; research shows that young children with poor self-regulation skills tend to make less academic progress (McClelland et al., 2007).

Self-regulation can affect physical wellbeing by boosting healthy brain development, as well as overall better health outcomes, such as reduced incidents of heart disease, obesity and drug dependency.

Emotionally, self-regulation helps nurture a more positive sense of self, as well as the ability to cope better with stress, which is particularly important given the increasing levels of mental health issues in children.

Socially, it is beneficial for social skills that affect friendships and getting along with others, and can affect the teacher-pupil relationship.

All this can lead to more success at school and throughout life.

Why do some children struggle to self-regulate?

There are many reasons why some children find it harder to self-regulate than others, including:

• Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) in early life, such as being adopted or looked after. ACEs may include prolonged stressful events, poverty, or other traumatic experiences. Co-regulation is particularly important for these children.
• Children who have additional needs, e.g. social communication difficulties, ADHD or sensory processing difficulties.
• Temperament – some children are more reactive than others.
• Physical needs not being met, e.g. hungry or tired.

It is important to note that poor self-regulation can be displayed through externalising (shouting and screaming) or internalising behaviours (being withdrawn).  Be mindful of the fact that internal behaviours are not always obvious, as they are directed inward.

What can we do to help?

Fortunately, self-regulation is something that can be learned with help and support from caregivers, so whether you are a teacher or a parent, you can play a very important role in helping children learn to self-regulate. Children do not learn to self-regulate on their own, and at first their behaviour is driven by impulses, as we see in toddler tantrums!  We need to find teachable moments to help children learn to self-regulate by using co-regulation and skills instruction, as well as practice (and plenty of praise when they try to manage their feelings).

Early childhood is when our brains experience huge growth, especially in the frontal cortex (the area most closely associated with self-regulation), so this is an important time to start learning self-regulation.  Research shows us that teaching self-regulation skills to preschool children improved their school readiness (Duncan et al., 2017). However, because our brains also experience major change during adolescence, children of any age will benefit from self-regulation interventions.

As you might expect, studies have shown that younger children are taught self-regulation mainly through co-regulation, but this is less so for older children, who tend to be taught by direct skills instruction. However, neuroscience tells us that even older children respond to co-regulation and may even need it in order to learn to self-regulate.

Strategies

 Modelling

It is important for adults to regulate their own emotions, before addressing their child’s.  If we are stressed as we go to help a child, we will not be as effective.  Even if emotions are rising inside, it is important to present a calm front to the child.  Children are perceptive observers of adults and will be learning from how we manage our own emotions. So, start off with modelling self-control.

Co-regulate

Co-regulate by providing a warm, responsive relationship with the child/young person, which will in turn, teach them skills to self-regulate. To co-regulate effectively, you need to get alongside the child/young person in their time of distress, reassure them and acknowledge their feelings, using a soothing voice and calm manner.  It’s important to focus on the emotion and not on the behaviour (i.e. the anger rather than the swearing).

Use empathy

Use empathy to acknowledge a child’s feelings. Don’t dismiss feelings – they are so important!

Talk about emotions

Find opportunities to talk about the range of emotions we all experience – how we all experience different feelings, it’s normal and it’s how we manage them that’s important.  Use story books, songs or games to make it fun.

Games

There are a number of games to help children learn self-regulation skills which involve waiting and turn-taking and provide a fun way of teaching impulse-control:

• Red Light – Green Light. The children run around freely – when ‘Red light’ is called out, they freeze – when ‘Green light’ is called out, they run.  Swap it round so they have to go against their impulses.
• Musical Statues – when the music stops, they must freeze. Also in reverse.
• Follow my Clap – clap a rhythm and get the children to copy it.
• Body Part Mix-up – get children to touch a series of body parts i.e. head, toes, knees. Then replace one of the body parts, so when you say ‘toes’ they must touch their ears.  This gets them not to just act instinctively.

You may want to use a timer and extend the time you play slowly.

Take a Break

Regular breaks in the learning – for those children who find it difficult to focus for long periods of time – to stretch or play a quick game such as ‘Shake Your Sillies Out’. 2-3 minutes spent doing this can help refocus and relax.

Mindfulness or Meditation

If you sense your child getting stressed, then try to engage them in a quiet activity.  Mindfulness and meditation are a good way for children to learn to pause and focus on breathing and calming down highly-charged emotions. There are some fabulous apps where you can find a range of meditations for children

Sensory specific adjustments

Consider any sensory issues specific to the child e.g. dimming the lights may help a child with visual sensitivity.

We hope this blog gives more insight into the importance of helping children develop self-regulation and provides you with some ideas to use in the classroom or at home.

Reading to our children is probably the most rewarding and effective way of spending quality time and something that we should all strive to do every single day – just ten minutes at bedtime will be the best spent time of your day for the innumerable benefits to be gained. So, what are these benefits?  Why should we be investing our precious time reading to our children? And what’s the best way to do it?

Reading Develops the Parent-Child Relationship

Children feel valued when we spend time reading to them; it makes them feel special. Choosing to read with them lets them know that they are worthy of your time, thus boosting their sense of self-worth.   It’s also a calm, relaxed time when you can snuggle together and experience that warm feeling of closeness and safety.  This closeness actually has a positive effect on our brain chemicals, causing our brain to release oxytocin which, in turn, strengthens the bond; creating a positive cycle.

So, how does oxytocin work?

Oxytocin plays an important role in social bonding; it is the chemical foundation on which trust is built and it makes us care about others.  It’s released during childbirth and is responsible for the initial bond between mother and baby.  Snuggling together whilst reading also releases oxytocin which helps to strengthen the bond between you and your child.

Spending time reading with your child can also increase their appropriate behaviour and is likely to make them more compliant.  This is not only because of the improved relationship which, in itself, results in more positive behaviour, but it’s also because it allows children a much-needed opportunity to be in control.  Children don’t have many opportunities to legitimately be in control of their lives; allowing them to choose the book gives them a sense of control which, in turn, makes them more likely to be compliant when you need them to be.

Reading at bed-time makes for a better night’s sleep and should be an integral part of your bedtime routine.  The feeling of safety and security this gives them is a crucial factor in being able to sleep soundly.  This calm, relaxed closeness has benefits to you too, helping you to relax and unwind after a busy day and preparing you for the evening ahead.

Reading Develops the ‘Whole’ Child

All children are born with imaginations, which tend to peak between 3 and 6 years of age.  If not nurtured and encouraged, imagination often starts to decline when children begin their more formal education.  Reading helps nurture a child’s imagination, which, incidentally, Webster defines as: ‘the act or power of forming a mental image of something not present to the sense or never before wholly perceived in reality’.

This is exactly what children are doing when we read to them – forming a mental image of something not present.  Reading can open up whole new worlds of fantasy, in the form of characters and places.  But it can also help children to learn about things in the real world.  Having a wide variety of books available can help children learn so much about the world around them.

Reading to our children also develops their vocabulary.  When we read to our children we can choose more advanced books, with words and phraseology they may not yet have come across; we just need to stop to explain the meaning of any unfamiliar words; expanding their vocabulary, as well as their creativity.

Reading also helps to develop emotional literacy and empathy.  You can stop whilst reading to discuss how the characters might be feeling and how your child might feel in a given situation.  This helps them to understand their own feelings, as well as relate to how others might be feeling.  You can even choose specific books to talk about issues; there are lots around that deal with particular issues, such as friendship, being different, sharing.

Reading with your child helps to develop a love of reading, which is likely to last a  lifetime. This is particularly important in today’s world, where children who are bored  will often turn to technology, which, although it has many benefits, comes with its  own unique downside. Children who have a love of books and reading are likely to  turn to a book instead, which comes without all the negative aspects of technology  (but that’s a blog for another day!).

Reading Helps Children’s Academic Success

Reading is important in ALL academic subjects and research shows that children who enjoy reading do better in all subjects, not just literacy.

We’re probably all aware of its importance when it comes to writing, history, geography and science, but reading is also important for maths. In fact, there’s a very close link between literacy and maths and often when children struggle with maths, it’s because of literacy issues. Barton (2008) argues that ‘mathematics and language develop together’.

Reading has a particularly important role to play in developing children’s writing.  Not only for all the reasons stated earlier – improved vocabulary, imagination, creativity but, when you read out loud, children hear you stop at full stops and pause at commas; this attunes their ear to instinctively know where punctuation should be placed in a sentence.  Following along with you as you read let’s them see how speech marks and other forms of punctuation are used.  All this makes for better writing.

Sitting (or lying) and listening to a story helps improve children’s concentration and focus, which has obvious benefits to success in school.

The earlier you start the better. Your baby got used to the sound of your voice whilst in the womb so hearing you read a story (even if they can’t initially understand it) is soothing to them and will capture their interest.

It is also important for brain development as it helps to make those vital neuronal connections.  Infants can show an interest in books from a very early age – choose books that will survive being sucked and chewed – hard-board, vinyl or cloth.

How to Make the Most of Reading Together

Reading should be an integral part of your daily routine and should be prioritised.  The best time to read is at bedtime (for all the reasons stated above), although even better if you can read at other times during the day too.

Try not to allow other things to get in the way of reading – make it a habit that can’t be broken and always allow enough time for it to be part of the bedtime routine, it doesn’t need to take that long – just ten minutes is sufficient. Make sure that reading time isn’t interrupted; turn off the television and phone.  Lie down on the bed next to your child so that they are able to see the book as you read. If you have more than one child of similar age, you can read to them both together – one lying on either side of you (you can alternate whose bed you lie on).  If the age gap is larger, then read to each child individually, so that you can make the books age appropriate and stagger their bedtimes accordingly.

Have a variety of different types of books available and let them choose which one.  Don’t worry if they choose the same book over and over again; this is particularly common for younger children and is a way of them consolidating their learning. Young children love repetition, and being able to anticipate what’s coming next, and will begin to join in with ‘reading’ the book.

For younger children, have lots of rhyming books like those by Dr. Seuss.  Children’s ability to recognise rhyme is a predictor of later reading success, not to mention that those types of books are so much fun and children love to join in once they become familiar with them.  You can also make up your own silly rhymes and encourage your children to do so too.

Don’t be afraid to use silly voices when reading. Give different characters a different voice and make animal and engine noises too.  Children love being silly and it’s good for you too. Laughing together is also great for bonding and is a great stress reliever.

Reading to your child doesn’t have to cost much. Join the library and let your child choose from the hundreds of books available.  Charity shops are a great source of children’s books too and even the pound shop has a range of children’s books available.

Don’t limit yourself to reading actual books. Make up your own stories with your children as the main characters.  Children love being part of a story and will soon start to chip in with their own additions and embellishments – again this is great for developing their imagination.

Don’t stop reading to your children just because they become proficient readers themselves.  Reading to an older child is still important; particularly for that sense of closeness and togetherness, which we tend to have less opportunities for as our children get older.

Furthermore, as children get older their books become more interesting (for us).  There are some amazing early-teen books out there that can be enjoyed by adults just as much as by teens.   You can then read a chapter per night, rather than a whole book.  This is also good for keeping the lines of communication open with your teenager as you can discuss relevant issues arising in their books.

Well, I’ve gone on rather longer than intended but I’m such a firm believer in the importance of reading to your child. I really do think it is one of the best gifts you can give them and something that will last them a lifetime. You’re also creating memories, something that can’t be bought.  And, if you make a habit of reading to your children, then they are likely to continue the habit with their own children. So don’t delay – start today!

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about the children we encounter and the staff members we train.  We are all dealt hands in life and, for some, those hands are a lot tougher than others.  For those children who struggle, we’re unlikely to be able to change their home life, we cannot change many of their difficulties…. but we can care!  By caring, being there and not giving up on these children we can make a difference.  Some children –  especially those with attachment difficulties, or those who have suffered trauma – may push you away; avoiding you or screaming at you.  This could be because their experience of relationships has been poor; one of rejection or abandonment.  They are behaving the only way they know how; this behaviour is a self-preservation strategy, it is what’s helped them survive thus far.

CONNECTION AND SENSE OF BELONGING

In our courses, we often talk about the importance of resilience (someone’s inner strength which helps them through times of adversity) and how schools can play a major role in helping children develop resilience.  Many children come to school with one or more risk factors, such as poor housing, family breakup, etc. and need to balance these with protective factors, in order to develop resilience.  Protective factors can include emotional regulation, problem solving and anger management.

One of the most important protective factors for young people is having a sense of belonging.  Having positive relationships in place builds connectedness which, in turn, builds this sense of belonging.  There is a lot of research showing that connectedness and a sense of belonging both have a positive effect on mental health and happiness, as well as academic motivation (Furlong, Whipple, St Jean, Simental, Soliz and Punthuna 2003; Goodenow, 1993).  In fact, the importance of a sense of belonging dates back as long ago as 1943, when Maslow in his ‘Hierarchy of Needs’, referred to trust and acceptance, and being part of a group, as a basic human need.

When we read research from the University of Hertfordshire, showing that young people are seven times more likely to self-harm if their sense of belonging to school is low, we realised just how important belonging and resilience is. Having someone in school who cares is vital. However, the importance of human connection is something that is often under-rated, or at times overlooked, when schools have an incredible emphasis on academic achievement.

Therefore, next time you are faced with a child who finds learning a challenge, or cannot manage their behaviour, remember that all behaviour is communicating a need – usually an unmet need.  Be there for that child and don’t give up.  By having the relationship in place and connecting with the child, you will often come to understand the reason for that behaviour.  Only then, can you adapt your response with the appropriate strategy.

I like the analogy which says that we can’t stop the traffic on a busy road for these children, but we can teach them how to safely cross the road.  So, let’s do what we can to build resilience in children this year!

To make praise as effective as possible, it is important that you label it.

In other words, tell children exactly what it is you are praising them for.  Simply saying “Good Boy” or “Well Done” does not have the same impact as saying, “Well done for remembering to put your hand up.” Or, at home, “Well done for taking your plate out to the kitchen.”

When children hear exactly what it is they are being praised for, they are much more likely to remember the praise, remember what it was they did to earn the praise and do it again the next time!

REMEMBER TO USE THE CHILD’S NAME

Use the child’s name to make sure you have their attention and that they know you are talking to them (especially if there is more than one child present, such as in a whole class situation, or where siblings or playmates are around): “Jack, well done for putting your books away.” And at home: “Michael, I’m proud of you for helping your sister with her homework.”  You could also add a “Thank you” to let them know you appreciate it…. “Samuel, thank you for coming to the carpet when I asked you; well done.” “Emily, well done for setting the table, I really appreciate that.”

GIVING SURPRISE PRAISE

Praising children when they are not expecting it, rather than just in response to them complying with your requests, is also powerful.  For example, if a child at school is knuckling down to their work really well, you could say, “Matt, I’m really impressed with the way you are working; well done!” and at home, if a child is colouring quietly at the table, instead of quietly sneaking away to get on with something, you could say, “Frankie, you are colouring so well; that’s fantastic!”.  Receiving this surprise positive attention reminds children of the behaviour you want to see and motivates them to keep going.  It also means that you are giving attention for positive behaviour.  As a result, in school, children know that being on task results in attention and, at home, your child doesn’t have to resort to colouring on the walls to get your attention – a strategy that is sure to work! Remember, what you pay attention to is what you will get more of!

WHAT ABOUT THE MORE CHALLENGING CHILDREN?

Both teachers and parents have said, “But he/she is always so badly behaved, I can’t find anything to praise him/her for!”

For the more challenging children, or those where it is difficult to find the occasion to praise, it is especially important to look for opportunities to praise by ‘spotting the good’.  Even the most difficult children aren’t difficult 100% of the time and there must be times when they behave appropriately, so it is crucial that when they do, you are quick to notice and acknowledge their behaviour with praise: “Well done for sitting nicely in your seat, Amar.” And at home, “Sam, thank you for remembering to take your shoes off before you went upstairs.” Spotting the good and rewarding it with positive attention in the form of praise means they are much more likely to repeat the behaviour in the future.  It also helps boost their self-esteem, which can sometimes be very low in more challenging children, as well as building a positive relationship between you both.

COULD YOU BE REINFORCING NEGATIVE BEHAVIOUR?

Remember, you could also be inadvertently reinforcing their inappropriate behaviour by giving it your attention, albeit negative – remember the Attention Rule? Giving negative attention to children who exhibit challenging behaviour can create a negative cycle; they behave inappropriately and get your attention, which leads to more inappropriate behaviour to get more negative attention and so on, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of a “Challenging Child”. It is important that you break this cycle by spotting and reinforcing any good behaviour, as well as reducing your attention for negative behaviour.  This may be easier said than done, but well worth the effort in the long-term! (Remember to look out for our blog on Effective Ignoring, which will help.)

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN WHO FIND PRAISE DIFFICULT TO ACCEPT?

Some children, for a variety of reasons, may find praise difficult to accept.  They may have low self-esteem and feel they don’t deserve it; they could have social, emotional and mental health issues or attachment issues and feel unworthy or suspicious of the motives behind the praise.  At school, if you have children who don’t get praised at home, or indeed receive a lot of negative attention or criticism from parents or caregivers, they may begin to believe that they are no good and, again, feel undeserving.  Other children may feel a bit embarrassed by the praise.  This doesn’t mean that you should not praise these children. On the contrary, these children need praise even more.  However, you do need to be careful with how you go about it.  We like to call this the ’drip-drip effect’: Imagine you have a dried-up sponge and you turn the tap on it full blast, the water will come splashing off it.  If, however, you drip the water slowly onto it a little at a time, it will begin to absorb it. You can use more subtle forms of praise – a thumbs up, a pat on the shoulder, a smile – gradually the praise will begin to have an effect.  You will need to be patient and not take any rejection personally.

’Earshot Praise’, which we will talk about in our next blog, also works well in these situations.

We all need to be motivated to get things done and achieve our goals and children can be motivated by praise. However, we want the motivation to become intrinsic, so that their behaviour is not dependent on receiving praise.  You will see in our blog about Growth Mindset how self-praise, as well as process praise, is vital for building children’s self-motivation and capacity to persevere in the face of adversity.

WHAT IS THE ATTENTION RULE?

Children strive for attention – particularly from a significant adult like a parent/carer or teacher – and if they are not getting attention for doing the right thing, they will often resort to doing the wrong thing; especially if they’ve learned that it is a sure-fire wire to get attention, fast.

By paying attention to negative behaviours we are often inadvertently reinforcing them because, after all, what you give attention to is what you will get more of! (We call this ‘the Attention Rule’.) AND, negative attention is better than no attention.

HOW DOES IT WORK?

This principle is based on the Behaviourist Approach to behaviour, which states that behaviour is learned and can be modified by the response a given behaviour receives.  This learning process begins very early in life – a baby quickly learns that if he is hungry and cries he gets fed, if he has a dirty nappy and cries he gets changed, if he is cold and cries he gets wrapped in a blanket, or better still, cuddled!

Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. When babies in Romanian orphanages received no attention when they cried, they fell silent. There was no one around to nurture them, so the crying response was gradually extinguished.

So, we can change a child’s behaviour just by altering our response to it – this is known as behaviour modification.  Praise is a simple, yet powerful way that we can do this.

WHY IS PRAISE IMPORTANT?

Effective praise also helps to increase children’s self-esteem and boosts their confidence, as well as helps you to develop a positive relationship with them.

Furthermore, brain studies suggest that praise can influence the development of a child’s brain structure; both the grey matter in the area responsible for developing empathy, as well as the region of the cortex connected to the amygdala, which is responsible for emotional regulation.

By using praise, you can really make a difference in a child’s life.

Follow our series of blogs on praise to see how you – school staff or parents – can use praise most effectively to get the behaviour you want. We will provide you with examples of how best to do it, both in the classroom and at home, as well as things to avoid.  We would be keen to hear how you get on, so please leave us your comments!

When we think of working restoratively, the first thing that may come to mind is Restorative Justice.  But there is so much more to this approach that we might not be aware of and its effects are truly remarkable.  More and more schools and other establishments are now using a restorative approach in the way they work.

HOW DID THIS COME ABOUT?

Restorative practices date back hundreds of years, when ancient indigenous cultures lived closely together with a strong sense of community and would meet to discuss any wrongdoing and agree reparation.  Approximately 25 years ago, Restorative Justice and Victim Offender mediation were introduced into the criminal justice system, when it became apparent that all the support was given to the offender and the victim’s voice was often not heard.  This needed to change so that the victim was an integral part of the process and the needs of the victim as well as the offender were met.   The positive results of these methods then led to a number of establishments implementing a restorative approach to manage behaviour.  This has now evolved into an ethos which, when fully embraced, underpins the way staff work and relate to others, not just to improve discipline, but to encourage a holistic approach to behaviour.

HOW DOES IT WORK?

Restorative language can be used in everyday life by talking about thoughts and feelings in an open, non-judgemental way.  When misbehaviour occurs, a more targeted restorative approach can be used to work with those involved to identify the harm that has been done. The focus is on repairing the relationship, rather than assigning blame or punishment.

This involves a facilitator (school staff or parent) bringing together the victim and offender and asking a series of questions following set themes. They would ask what happened; what those involved were thinking or feeling at the time and now; who else was affected; and what needs to happen to repair the harm.  This enables the person who has been harmed to tell their story and describe how the incident has affected them, as well as allowing the person who has done the harm to be able to explain what happened and hear how their actions affected someone else.  This is very powerful and helps children to develop empathy and self-reflection.

This approach differs to the more punitive, sanction-based discipline system, where parents or teachers want to know who did it, who is to blame and what punishment is needed.  The restorative approach puts relationships at its heart and focuses on repairing the harm done to people and relationships when things go wrong.

WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS?

In a world where screen time is increasingly replacing face-to-face contact, communication with others is often forsaken.  Using a restorative approach helps children to develop their social brain, which is vital when relating to others, because how a child experiences relationships in childhood can affect their relationships in later life.

Positive experiences help to build pathways in a child’s brain, enabling them to develop emotional literacy.  This allows them to learn about empathy, relate to others and also self-regulate their feelings.  In fact, research shows that emotional literacy may also lead to children having more successful lives.

On the other hand, sanction-based discipline often has short-lived results, does not change behaviour long-term and can eventually lead to the breakdown of relationships.  Children quickly learn to avoid punishment and do not learn to self-regulate.   A restorative approach not only restores and strengthens relationships between everyone involved, but it also teaches empathy, responsibility and accountability.  It has been seen to have remarkable effects in schools and also helps to develop skills we want to see in all young people.

We are glad to see that more and more schools are using this approach and we are excited to be training in a number of different London schools this term.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is a relatively new concept; first introduced in 1995.  It refers to a person’s ‘social intelligence’; how one relates and interacts with others.  It is also a person’s ability to manage their emotions in a healthy way, as well as respond appropriately to the feelings of others.  Children with high EQ are able to reflect on situations and become more confident managing challenging situations.

This is different to Intelligence Quotient (IQ) which is a measure of a person’s cognitive ability, derived from a standardised intelligence test.

WHY IS IT IMPORTANT?

EQ is incredibly powerful.  According to psychologist, Daniel Goleman, EQ is a better predictor of success than IQ.  Research shows that people who have high EQ make good leaders and managers and even have higher future earning potential!  Moreover, it can reduce racism and prejudice and helps a person build healthy relationships, self-regulate their emotions and therefore deal more effectively with stressful situations. All of this leads to greater happiness and surely, this is something we all want for our children.

SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?

A person’s IQ remains fairly constant throughout life, whereas EQ can be improved. Parents and teachers alike can play an important part in improving a child’s EQ, as it grows and develops through the relationships a child has.  EQ development begins in early childhood and having a warm, trusting relationship with a significant adult in early childhood is crucial for its development.  Here are some ways you can help build an emotionally intelligent child:

Acknowledge feelings and emotions

Young children may not have the language to express strong emotions and so they act them out – sometimes in inappropriate ways.  Look for opportunities to talk to children about feelings and emotions – both theirs and yours – and let them know that it is normal to have these emotions. Label your child’s feelings so they learn the vocabulary and will therefore be better able to communicate their feelings and needs in future.  Encourage your child to talk about all their feelings, especially the negative ones.  Communication with your child is key and is one of the best investments you can ever make!

Tips:   

• Acknowledge their feelings and label them, e.g. “You look really sad. Do you want to talk about it?” “It’s frustrating/disappointing when your friend lets you down.” “That’s great news about the trip, you look very excited.”
• Talk about how you feel, e.g. “I feel annoyed when people leave dirty cups around the house.” “I am so excited about the football match on Saturday.”
• Some children may want to write down how they feel or make a drawing to express their feelings.
• Although all emotions are acceptable, not all behaviour is acceptable. It is important to have clear rules and boundaries in place for how to behave in the house/classroom.
• Teachers could use an emotions chart to teach different emotions. Or have an emotion of the week posted in the classroom which is discussed in circletime.

Use empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.  Acknowledging and validating a child’s feelings makes them feel understood, which in turn helps them to cope with their ‘big’ feelings and difficult experiences.  Empathising with a child’s feelings also helps to build a secure attachment with them; which develops their respect and encourages them to adopt our values.  Remember, children learn from watching us, so it’s important they see us showing empathy to others too. Think about the language you are using; make sure you remain neutral and don’t be judgemental.

Tips:

• If children are having problems with peers at school, encourage them to think about the situation from their peer’s perspective e.g. “How do you think that made him feel?”
• Or, get them to think about why the other child is behaving in that way, e.g. “She’s annoying? Do you think she’s tired/scared? You said you had fun together yesterday.” Getting children to understand the feelings behind the behaviour helps develop their empathy.
• Notice when your child uses empathy/ understands someone else’s feelings and praise them.

Help your child learn calm-down strategies

Children need to be reassured that their feelings are normal – that it’s okay to experience different emotions – it’s how they manage them that’s important.  You can talk to them when they are calm about what happens in their body when they get angry or upset/mad and why it is important to manage these feelings.  Learning to self-regulate is a vital skill for children.  Help children to make a list of calm-down strategies which they can then use.

Tips:   

• Don’t dismiss feelings, e.g. “Don’t be angry.” “That’s silly to feel sad about not being invited to the party.” “You have no reason to be grumpy.” Children need to understand all their emotions in order to learn to regulate them. There are no good or bad emotions – just emotions.
• Remind them to use their calm-down strategies, e.g. “Remember your idea about taking deep breaths/counting to twenty/running around the garden?”
• Model staying calm when you are angry, e.g. “I’m just going to take five minutes to calm down before we talk because I’ve had a bad day and feel pretty angry.”

Help your child problem solve

Problem solving is an important life-skill which children can be taught at a young age.  First identify the problem and encourage your child to think of a number of different solutions that could be tried (you may need to help, particularly with younger children), then list the different solutions. It’s important that you accept all the possible solutions your child offers; don’t dismiss any as silly (no matter how unrealistic they may be!). Discuss the possible consequences of each solution.  Pick one to try first and if that does not work go back to the list and try something else.

Tips:   

• Hold family meetings/have class circle time discussions when there might be a conflict of ideas. Ask everyone to share their thoughts and make sure everyone has a chance to speak.  Listen carefully to your child’s thoughts and ask them to listen carefully to the thoughts of others.
• Make sure you understand the child’s view of the problem by asking the child to explain what they think the problem is.
• Encourage the child to think of as many solutions as possible – you may need to make a suggestion to get them started.
• Look forward and not back e.g. “How can we make things better now for both of us?”

Use stories and play time

Reading books/stories to children is a great way to teach them about emotions and empathy: It is a good opportunity to discuss happy, as well as sad feelings.  Stop during reading and ask your child what is happening and how they think the character is feeling.  Using dolls and puppets can also be a good way to act out stories.

Tips:   

• Use puppets to role play a specific situation your child may be struggling with and possible ways of dealing with the issue.
• Find books in your library such as ‘The Great Big Book of Feelings’ which have wonderful pictures and cartoons.
• Use emotion cards, which you can find online and print.
• Make an ‘Emotions Jar’ full of different words describing different feelings and emotions. Pull one out at a time and act it out or talk about a time when you felt like that.

Using these strategies will help build confident children, with healthy self-esteem and a high EQ which will equip them to face the challenges of life.