“If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.” – Abigail Van Buren
The transition from child to adult can be a difficult time for both the child and parents. There are enormous developments in the teenage brain leading to increased reasoning skills and abstract thinking – teenagers often see things in black and white. It is important that parents can prepare their child for independence and your role will change from one of nurturing and protecting, to one of negotiating and providing advice. Here are some ideas which might help during this period:
Be involved
- Talk to your child about their feelings and emotions. This can help them deal with difficult emotions.
- Ask your child about school – what they like/dislike and if you can help with anything.
- Remember – teenagers are establishing their identity and might often need time alone.
- Don’t interrogate – let them tell you when they are ready.
- Find out about their subjects and any exams they might have.
- Encourage your child to set aside regular time for homework and praise them when they achieve it.
- Go to parents’ evenings and ask if you can help with homework or revision.
- Talk to a teacher if you have any issues with the school or your child – there is normally a Head of Pastoral Care for any personal issues.
Encourage
- Remember to praise their efforts and any good results they tell you.
- Encourage them to be proud of themselves as well as telling them you are proud of them. This will boost their self-esteem and give them confidence.
- If they have not done so well, try to encourage them to keep going and focus on achievements they have made so far. Remind them that everyone makes mistakes at some point, but it’s important to keep going.
Relate to them
- Tell your children about your choices in education and work.
- Remember what it was like when you were a teenager.
- Make the time to listen – even in our busy lives, it’s important to find time for your children. If you work, then you can spend more time together at weekends.
- Discuss don’t lecture. Good communication is essential to maintaining a good relationship with your teen.
- Don’t take things personally – teenagers can say some hurtful things which they often regret. Don’t get pulled into arguments. Pick your battles i.e. try to ignore minor misdemeanours.
Set limits
- Teenagers still need rules and boundaries. Remember to negotiate these rules and praise when they keep to them.
- Try to keep TV and computer games under control – they can become addictive.
- Preferably do not have a TV in their room – however if they do, make sure you have rules about watching.
- Limit TV and computer use just before bed as this stimulates rather than calms the brain.
- Use the internet to research and find homework help sites.
- Encourage cybersafety.
Brain development
- Remember that during teenage years, there are big changes going on in their brain. Teenagers can often experience tantrums similar to those in toddler years.
- Encourage them to problem solve so they develop their reasoning skills.
- Give your teenager choices and consequences so they learn to become responsible and independent.
- Encourage a good sleep pattern as teenagers need more sleep. This is the time they grow but also consolidate their learning.
Extra Ideas
- This is the time when your child will be starting to move on without you. Saying “yes” when you can, and “no” when you must is a good way of allowing your child to become independent (Don’t say “no” automatically – give it some thought first – could you say “yes”?).
- Remember to praise – your child is never too old for praise.
